Title: "Getting Hitched"
Written by: Shawn
Summary: Katherine laments a curious tale reminiscent of the Titanic... somewhat.
Rating: PG-14 for language
Timeline/Spoilers: Everything that is canon throughout PR to the end of DT is canon here, lol.
Disclaimer: I own zippo. Disney owns it all now. And sometimes they really suck, but the new PR:RPM so does not suck, so maybe they don't suck so bad or as bad as they used to suck when they really, really sucked... SUCK!
Authors Notes 1:This was spawned by a Sunday afternoon talk with Vivian (Rapunzl) from the Perfect Chemistry T/K, Sky/Syd board. Blame her if it sucks or if you laugh. She accepts praise in the form of cookies.
Authors Notes 2: This is told in P.O.V fashion, alternating from scene to scene with different characters.
Authors Notes 3: This is just meant to make you laugh.
Dedicated to: Vivian for being a nut job. Seriously, you will see a mental institution before age forty. And when you arrive I'll say hi cause Lord knows I'm gonna be there too.
"When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.
And she never did."
"Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is."
(From the mind of Katherine "Pink to the 2nd Power" Hillard)
On board a life boat
Somewhere near the Bermuda Triangle
Saturday, September 25, 2009 3:30 PM
Around the east coast of Florida and Puerto Rico, in-between 80-90 degrees west and 30-20 degrees north.
Today's a particularly strange day. And for me that's saying alot.
See, I've been off of Earth a few times. Yep, you heard that right. I've traveled to other planets. Three of them in fact. I've met aliens and even hugged a few. Nice guys, those aliens. They weren't all big eyed and ET-like either. Not that I have a problem with non-human looking aliens. What's a extra limb or eye to me? Nothing at all. I never discriminate. I'm talking about the kind and polite aliens with fashion sense who didn't really want to take over the world as much as see it. Tourist aliens. Non-Swine Virus having tourists aliens. I liked them.
I've been back in time too. I time traveled ala Star Trek. I know, I know... I'm a walking entry into Ripley's Believe It Or Not library.
I've been sent to alternate dimensions as well. More than one, actually. I've seen things. Losta things. Crazy things. Wild things.
And I've even been turned into a cat. Yeah, I mean it. A real live cat. And for weeks after I was released from Rita's evil spell I still caught myself sometimes licking my forearm and them brushing it over my face. I did it unconsciously, mind you. And I totally freaked my mom out at the dinner table, but whatever. Oh, and I used to camp out in front of our living room fish tank for hours. Just... just don't ask. The point is I was turned into a cat. So as you can see, I'm used to strange happenings in my life. There's not much I haven't seen. Me and the weird aspects of the world are on a first name basis.
But as I gaze out over my gently rocking life raft at the sinking luxury yacht not far away, while the nearby Coast Guard officers secure the small hi-speed Pirate boats to the back of their larger vessel, I try to reconcile in my mind how thirty minutes ago I was attending the 3rd attempted wedding of Tommy Oliver and Kimberly Hart. It didn't matter to me how many times they tried just so long as they loved each other enough to keep trying and get it right. I recall telling Kimberly last night at the hotel bar over drinks that true love was worth waiting for no matter the trials and tribulations to get there.
She agreed with a dear smile. We toasted our glasses and then called it a night before her big day.
And now I know what its like to be on a boat attacked by Pirates. Real life Pirates. No, I didn't stutter. Actual Pirates! And when they came aboard our yacht I actually fought them before diving off the yacht as it began sinking.
Oh yeah, did I mention we're in the Bermuda Triangle?
WE ARE IN THE FREAKING BERMUDA TRIANGLE!
Looking decidedly handsome when wet, Jason's sitting next to me half-laughing, half-in awe at what has transpired. He keeps shaking his head and I know exactly how he feels. I know the recession has hit people hard, but if sea piracy has returned to the United States waters then I am truly going to need another drink tonight. That was the case as I battled Pirates on the high seas in a Versace pink dress that thankfully did not reveal my under garments for the world to see this time.
Although my goodies did snag me a new boyfriend. But still, I'm not that kind of girl. We former Pink Rangers do not strip in person. But behind closed doors... well... once a guy goes Pink, he never goes back.
Speaking of Pink, poor Kim. I adore the Original Pink Ranger like a sister, no matter that I'm closer to her fiancée. But Kim is going to probably need physiological help after today. And I'm not just talking about a one
couch visit. She's gonna have wedding issues for many, many years to come. But I am determined to see her get married someday no matter what it takes. Kim and Tommy have taken the long, crazy back roads of twisting love to make it back to each other.
I will see that love justified!
There are several life boats floating around the one I'm in with everyones eyes glued on the still sinking luxury liner. Its a good thing Anton Mercer is a billionaire. Funding Kim's attempted weddings isn't cheap. Thick, dark clouds of billowing smoke lift in the air as the yachts front-end smolders and tips upward, sinking slowly from behind. Around me, the former Power Rangers are in varying forms of shock and awe. Zack and his date are taking pictures cause, well, who wouldn't. Poor Billy, who as a cute joke wore a motorcycle helmet to the wedding, still managed to get knocked unconscious. It probably saved his life as the first explosion sent him flying into a wall. Still, he was in Concussion City by the time Trini got to him. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.
Okay, here goes. When I was sixteen years old I thought Tommy Oliver was hotter than the surface of the sun and his sweat tasted like Evian water. I would have eaten my dinner off his chest and when he smiled at me I knew my V-card could be clocked with a egg timer when he was around. I was that far gone for him, and I didn't care one bit. But as time passed I won a piece of his heart and we began dating. It was nice and sweet, but I couldn't get over my own insecurities that he still harbored feelings for Kim. It took us a long time and a couple of break-ups to get to a serious place in our almost five year relationship.
But ultimately we just couldn't get over that proverbial hump. Either he pulled back, or I got upset and went off on him. Or I pulled back and he accused me of being afraid to take that next step with him. Now don't get me wrong. That next step wasn't sex. We rocked there. We got each others V-cards and the T-shirts to match. But as we grew older I just didn't see a future as his wife. As a close confidant and best friend, yes. I could imagine that. But I just didn't want to marry him. And he didn't want to marry me either.
Still, we loved each other dearly. And that was enough.
While sixteen year old Katherine Hillard thought Tommy could walk on water and part the Red Sea with his ponytail tie, twenty-nine year old Katherine Hillard knows that boy has more issues than a Sports Illustrated archive. Love him, I do. Marry him, I won't. He belongs to Kim and that's cool. I might belong to Jason... we'll see.
Point is, I was the one who finally pushed Tommy to propose to Kim. One year ago we spent a whole Saturday together reminiscing about the past and each other. I loved how he talked about Kim, and the light in his eyes told me he was ready to ask her to be his wife. He just needed a little push. And a minor shove. A punch, and a tiny little roundhouse kick. Men are slow that way. But rest assured by the end of our talk he was dragging me into a jewelers to help pick out Kim's engagement ring.
All was right in the world.
Kim-ageddon 1 was so absurd in every possible way that its hard to try and wrap my brain around it. Kim-ageddon 2... okay, Kim kinda almost got us killed, but my near nakedness got me a great boyfriend. So I'm kinda fond of Kim-ageddon 2. But Kim-ageddon 3... it began like this.
For the attempted third nuptials, Anton rented this huge luxury yacht with twelve individual bedrooms. The guest list was widdled down to just close family and former Rangers this time. We had the best time the last two days cruising on this hotel-boat, as Rocky calls it. It far exceeded what I considered luxury and Kim adored it to no end. So did Tommy, who was glued to his fiancées side the entire time.
So we woke up today and began preparing for the short wedding ceremony. The band began playing... Tommy and Jason stood with the minister on the raised portion of the expansive front deck. The appropriate tears were shed by all, including myself as Kimberly and her dad began walking down our makeshift aisle. When Kim saw Billy wearing the helmet she literally kicked off a heel and threw it at his head. It bounced off. He laughed and pointed to the helmet. After giving him the finger, she kicked off her other heel, left it behind, and walked towards Tommy wearing the most beautiful smile.
This was it.
The big moment.
So when the four speed boats each began circling the boat we were stunned and scared. A lead boat featured a guy with a bullhorn shouting, "We will board your vessel and steal your shiny things and money. Do not resist us."
Having watched those scary scenes on CNN from the Pirates in Somalia earlier in the year, I feared they had guns. They didn't. And as happy as I was that they didn't, why would you pirate without a gun these days? Well it seemed as though these pirates intended to take pirating back to the old days. They all had swords and eye patches and began trying to board our ship while waving their pirate flags about.
Which I found amazingly shocking as A, we were being boarded by pirates. B, they had no guns. And C, half the wedding party were martial arts masters who had no problem beating their collective backsides just as soon as they climbed over the top. When Zack yelled "Pirates in 2009?!! Are you kidding me?!!" none of us could believe it. But as Trini began tearing into them with a laptop after one of their boats rammed our ship, knocking Billy into a wall that knocked him unconscious, I seriously wondered before throwing my first punch.
Is Katherine gonna have to choke a Pirate?
And choke a Pirate I did. The minister, band, and family members ran below deck to safety. The Pirates charged in as former Rangers and boat crew defended themselves. We were outnumbered, but the Pirates were far from skilled fighters and thought that their superior numbers would make us cave in. Well they all caved in within ten minutes as we beat them like something that gets beat often and badly.
It was as if those Pirates didn't realize the wrath of Kim, a woman who twice already was denied her wedding band, wasn't going to let anything stand in her way. She threw herself around the deck of that ship like the gymnast she was, albeit in a full length white wedding dress. I was truly impressed with her agility. And her hair looked awesome.
Unfortunately for Kim, a errant pirate boat skidded into the side of the yacht in a frantic attempt to flee and opened a huge gash. A small fire quickly grew even while the ship was taking on water. And while I was teary-eyed in the theaters watching Titanic, I never, ever wanted to live it. Of course watching Kim beg the minister to perform the ceremony anyway as the ship began sinking was a sight I will never, ever forget. She even sited the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie that a wedding could be performed on a sinking ship with fighting all around the wedded couple.
The minister dove off the side of the boat, with Kim screaming some very un-religious expletives at him.
After that, it took a moment to actually realize that I was on a boat that was sinking in the ocean after having been attacked by real live Pirates. The Coast Guard was called as we held a few of the Pirates captive by tying them up.
Alas, my Ninjettie past did answer one age-old question.
Ninjas can definitely beat Pirates!
The rest leapt overboard just before the yacht began going under. So here we sit, awaiting the bigger Coast Guard ship to take us on board. Aisha's assisting Rocky as he battles a bad case of sea sickness by hurling over the side of the boat. Trini is looking after Billy, now quite used to him being unconscious post a Kim wedding attempt. At least the "Bini" ship has officially set sail. Trini even noted to the sky, "Oh my God, Pirates killed Billy!" I quickly added the "Those bastards."
Hey, its a Kim wedding tradition now.
Tanya's showing Adam the two Pirate swords she's taking home as a souvenir, while Tommy was snuggling Kim in his arms. They're both actually grinning as the situation called for no less. Really, who could have predicted this? Somewhere in whatever was after this life, even Zordon's gotta be laughing his bald head off.
So here we are, stuck on lifeboats in the Bermuda Triangle watching a luxury yacht sink to the bottom of the ocean after being attacked by Pirates.
Say that three times fast.
At this point one thing and one thing only is going on in my mind. I'm gonna write a book about this. I shall title it "Kimberly Hart-Oliver and the Art of Surviving Wedding Disasters." I'm going to start on this book the day Kim actually does marry Tommy. And I hope that day isn't to far off. They truly love each other and deserve their wonderful day in the sun.
And I deserve a best seller.
As for me, I have my Jason, my dress is still on, I haven't flashed anyone, and no one was hurt except for the stupid Pirates who got what was coming to them. All in all... well, no one died. Kim will marry Tommy someday. I just know it.
Until then I shall prep for my book and try not to laugh at the insanity of Kim-ageddon 3.
Whatever awaits us in Kim-ageddon 4?
Chapter 4: A former Ranger wonders if even the Federal Government wants Tommy and Kim to marry.