Title: "Getting Hitched"
Written by: Shawn
Summary: The second attempted wedding of Tommy Oliver and Kimberly Hart... emphasis on the word attempted.
Rating: PG-14 for language
Timeline/Spoilers: Everything that is canon throughout PR to the end of DT is canon here, lol.
Disclaimer: I own zippo. Disney owns it all now. And sometimes they really suck, but the new PR:RPM so does not suck, so maybe they don't suck so bad or as bad as they used to suck when they really, really sucked... SUCK!
Authors Notes 1:This was spawned by a Sunday afternoon talk with Vivian (Rapunzl) from the Perfect Chemistry T/K, Sky/Syd board. Blame her if it sucks or if you laugh. She accepts praise in the form of cookies.
Authors Notes 2: This is told in P.O.V fashion, alternating from scene to scene with different characters.
Authors Notes 3: This is just meant to make you laugh.
Dedicated to: Vivian for being a nut job. Seriously, you will see a mental institution before age forty. And when you arrive I'll say hi cause Lord knows I'm gonna be there too.
"My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes."
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"
~~ George Carlin
"The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead."
(From the mind of Aisha "Yellow Bear of Doom" Campbell-Desantos)
Temporary shelter opened by the Red Cross for victims of "Hurricane Amy Jo"
Saturday, July 20, 2009 10:30 AM
North West Florida on the Gulf of Mexico
You ever just wanted to choke somebody that you loved?
Like really choke them until they die? Not that end of the season on your favorite TV show kind of death where you know it will be fan-winked in the season premier next fall. Nah, I'm talking that sorta blind rage that requires high-powered, expensive attorneys to help you stay out of jail.
Okay, my inner Drama Queen was peeking out just then, but still. I think some choking was due in this situation. I mean really, its not every day a best friend lies to you about a natural disaster on the way just so she can get married.
See, I love people. I really do. I'm a perfectly sane, sometimes calm, caffeine-addicted, pet loving, happily married a nutty Red Ranger kind of adult. I like people. I'm very pro-humanity. I'm pro-animals. For crying out loud, I've pet a tiger in real life. I held a baby coyote. I spent time in Africa helping people. I don't routinely hurt people. I'm a people person. I like people more than Oprah. Dr. Phil and I would get along great. And I don't slap people. I want too sometimes, but I never do. Now I admit I'm guilty of shouting words at people who cut me off in traffic my dear late grandma wouldn't be so proud of, but for the most part I have never just wanted to choke someone... until today!
Cause less than one hour ago as I felt insane winds blowing so hard people were falling down all over the place I asked myself a universally, politically incorrect question...
Is Aisha gonna have to choke a bitch?
I really asked myself that.
Okay, sorry for the profanity, but when I am done spinning this tale you will understand. Cause I was that close to choking Kim!
I have known Kim for so many years now I almost can't remember not knowing her. I have Pre-Kim amnesia. And don't get me wrong... as I talk to myself, which is strange, I love Kim like a sister. I truly do. She's my girl. I would do anything for her provided it wouldn't get me arrested. And in 2001 I had that very point tested, but it's a story for another day.
As for today, all my girl wanted was a perfect barefoot wedding on a beautiful, sunny day set on a white sands beach.
What she got was a freaking Category 4 Hurricane that she oh so sneakily made sure we weren't aware of so that her second wedding attempt could go off without a hitch. Well, lets see how that went down.
The Y.M.C.A basketball court is nice and shiny and filled with tons and tons of people on small beds and chairs. Red Cross workers are attending to minor cuts and scrapes, while passing out blankets and water. Due to most people who lived near the beach having already been evacuated, most of today's guests are from the cursed Hart-Oliver Wedding. Or "Kim-ageddon 2," as my gloriously anal hubby so coined it. I'm sitting on a bench in a dirty, wet fugly yellow bridesmaid dress with my hair looking like I shoved my finger in a light socket. What little make-up I had time to put on has washed away and I desperately need a hot shower. I'm covered in a big, soft Red Cross blanket while trying to wrap my mind around today's wild events.
Oh, and at least I have clothes. Katherine's pink dress blew off. No, it literally blew off. Two hundred bucks just flew away to parts unknown. It's currently on its way to Mexico via a funnel cloud. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
See, after "Kim-ageddon 1," Ms. Hart recovered and planned her second wedding. Now understand that while Tommy is getting married too, he's mostly expected to simply show up, say his part, and look good. Little else was required, and bless his soul, he only wanted to give Kim her dream wedding. So when she decided on a barefoot beach wedding in the summer, we were all on board. What could go wrong? Nothing. That's what Kim said.
Apparently Mother Nature had other ideas.
We all knew a storm was coming, but apparently between late last night and this morning it got worse. Leave it to Kim to start banging on everyones door at 5:30 AM to go out to the beach early for the wedding to beat, as she put it "A wee bit of rain and wind." She said screw her hair and make-up, she wanted to get this done now and would hear no back talk on that subject. So we all trudged out of bed, sans showers, got dressed quickly, and hit the hotel exits.
How could I know that less than a hour later I would see tree's flying over my head! Literally, I watched palm trees flying over my head!
So sleepy and drowsy as we were, who were we to go against Kim? Its her day. The day all girls dream about. A woman is never, ever more dangerous than on her wedding day. You just gotta leave her be and give her what she wants. So we got our butts to the beach. All except Kim's cousin, James. He argued that Kim could wait a few hours until everyone got themselves together. He got in my girl's face, made his case, and refused to budge.
We don't know what became of him.
Yeah... we didn't even ask.
Damn, I don't even see him here.
Moving right along...
Perhaps our first real sign of trouble came when all the white chairs blew out to sea, along with the flower arrangements. And then the minister began making the sign of the cross over his heart as the skies
darkened like the end of the world was right around the corner. The wind was whipping about so hard the red wedding carpet Kim had rolled out lifted off the sand and took out Tommy's parents. One second they were standing, the next they were covered in sand and struggling beneath the rug. I tried not to laugh. I really did.
But I failed.
So the sky turned so stormy and bleak looking it resembled the end of days. But was Kim deterred... oh no. My girl began shouting for the wedding band to start playing. She wanted her grand entrance and unless Jesus Christ himself was returning to Earth that very second she was determined to walk that non-existent aisle and get married or die trying. The band began running for her lives as all we could do was watch in shock. Tommy had to restrain his wife to be. Then poor Katherine's little pink dress flew off her slim frame, leaving her in a pale Victoria's Secret slip. Jason seemed to really like what he saw as he had to be hit in the head by Tanya's shoe before he rushed to her side with his suit jacket.
When Kim's Uncle Jim pointed out the towering funnel cloud over the Hilton Hotel in the distance, well... that was a sign that we all needed to get the hell off that beach. Never mind Kim yelling for everyone to come back. I felt sorry for my girl, and hugged her, but when she asked me to help her kidnap the minister... I knew she had lost it. All rationality was gone. She wanted to get married and damn any weather occurrence in her way.
And then there was poor Billy.
Hit in the head with a flying coconut from the wedding wreath, thankfully all he has is a concussion and the memory of hearing my husband yet again offer the pronouncement of "Oh my God, the storm killed
Billy." This time Adam joined in while pointing at the sky, "You bastards." As I grabbed my husband's hand and we ran for our lives, I couldn't help but to laugh. I've run for my life from purse monsters, flying lipstick creatures, and even fought clones of myself. But you truly haven't lived until you've seen tree's flying over your head and the winds so loud you can't hear yourself talk.
Of course the sight of Kim in her white wedding dress draped over Tommy's shoulder kicking and screaming while he carried her away was very cute.
Back to the present. My husband's shooting hoops with the boys, Trini is tending to Billy and hopefully about to jump start the "Bini" ship as I think its the cutest sounding thing in the world. Never mind their ship sounds like a British guy's first name. You work with what you have. RocSha just isn't nearly as cool. And Aieky sounds odd and not even remotely romantic.
I cannot say enough good things about the selfless work the Red Cross does, or the quality of their hot chocolate. This stuff tastes so good. I'm gonna bring a big cup to Kim in a few minutes after she's done talking to Tommy. As angry as I am about her trying to get her wedding done even while knowing a Category 4 hurricane was coming, I still love my girl. She just wants to marry the guy of her dreams, and can't seem to catch a break.
Ohhh, look at Jason trying to mack on Katherine. I nudge Tanya and point, then catch Kim's eyes and show her too. Maybe something good will come outta this fiasco of a wedding. Do I see some some Kason in the future? Did it take a hurricane tearing a woman's dress off to open a Red Rangers eyes? Will I ever see Kimberly get married in a wedding that does not end in disaster?
And can they get the caterer from their first wedding, cause Trini and I really loved that cake. Man, it was cakealicious.
All in all Anton Mercer gave us former spand-sexy super heroes a free trip to Florida. I just can't complain about that. And aside form a little bruise on Billy's head, no one got hurt. So I'm just gonna smile away my frustrations, go get the someday bride-to-be some of this delicious hot chocolate, and hope against hope that "Kim-egeddon 3" goes off without a hitch, and the couple at the alter actually get hitched.
After all, third times a charm, right?
Chapter 3: Katherine laments a tale reminiscent of the Titanic.