Title: "Getting Hitched"
Written by: Shawn
Summary: Who knew getting married to the man you love was so hard.
Rating: PG-14 for language
Timeline/Spoilers: Everything that is canon throughout PR to the end of DT is canon here, lol.
Disclaimer: I own zippo. Disney owns it all now. And sometimes they really suck, but the new PR:RPM so does not suck, so maybe they don't suck so bad or as bad as they used to suck when they really, really sucked... SUCK!
Authors Notes 1:This was spawned by a Sunday afternoon talk with Vivian (Rapunzl) from the Perfect Chemistry T/K, Sky/Syd board. Blame her if it sucks or if you laugh. She accepts praise in the form of cookies.
Authors Notes 2: This is told in P.O.V fashion, alternating from scene to scene with different characters.
Authors Notes 3: This is just meant to make you laugh.
Dedicated to: Vivian for being a nut job. Seriously, you will see a mental institution before age forty. And when you arrive I'll say hi cause Lord knows I'm gonna be there too.
"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it."
~~ Lyndon B. Johnson
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman."
"They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet."
(From the mind of Trini "Sabertooth Tiger" Kwan)
Old Rosary Cathedral
Saturday, May 9, 2009 7:30 PM
You know, life's funny sometimes.
As I sit here outside this beautiful church on a gorgeous day while wearing this horrid yellow bridesmaid dress thats now covered with about ten percent of a seven-tier white chocolate wedding cake, I wonder to myself... could my life be any stranger? I mean really, I got recruited to be a Power Ranger as a teenager because I had an attitude, but I didn't have a attitude. I was nice to everyone I met. I was the most un-attitude having girl you could meet. But Zordon wanted a teenager with attitude and poof, I got beat up by a group of grey-spandex wearing retards and then I'm in a cheesy looking Command Center being talked to by a head-shaped cloud of smoke.
Yep, I teleported.
Like Star Trek style teleported. And I thought it was so cool, and not at all scary like when anyone teleported in the Fly movies.
At the time I was in that happy-go-lucky teenager mind state. I didn't process the massive amount of things that could of and should of gone wrong when I became a Power Ranger. And judging by this bit of cake I just fingered from my modest cleavage, that's some good cake. I could see Aisha thinking the same thing as we shared a smile. She's covered in cake too and in the same awful bridesmaid dress I'm wearing. This was Kim's big day and we were going to brave being seen in public in these dresses if it killed us. Who would have thought that statement would need to be taken literally.
Okay, so back to my crazy life. I was given a Power Coin, a Zord, and the responsibility of protecting the world when I had just begun studying for my drivers license test and thought Beverly Hills 90210 was the best thing ever. God, I'm old. And to think they actually brought that show back and have a couple of the original actors. Go figure. Anyway, as time passed I saw just about every type of object imaginable turned into a monster. I saw purses, lizards, umbrella's, radios, parade floats, lipstick, hair brushes, pigs, televisions, and even a fish transformed into towering creatures bent of destroying the world. Downtown Angel Grove at 4:00 PM most weekday afternoons made Palestine and Afghanistan look like Santa's workshop in terms of danger.
Yeah, we beheaded every last one of them.
Oh yeah, before I go any further. Kids, don't look up to Power Rangers. Seriously, just don't. We dealt with every single problem we had by getting a bigger, better, more mystical weapon than our enemies. And we often cut off their heads. Yeah, we used team work... building the bigger gun... we stuck together and believed in each other while assembling the gun. But at the end of the day we killed monsters. And we did it better than anyone who's ever done.
Kids, if you want inspiration look to the Boy and Girl Scouts of America.
Off topic for a moment, but there's an ambulance taking the Anderson's, a kindly elderly couple that brought Tommy and Kim a George Foreman grill as a wedding present, away to a nearby hospital. Thankfully, they just need some oxygen and rest. Me, I need a shower or a fork so I can eat more of this delicious cake off my dress. This is some good stuff.
So here I sit, eating cake and watching people walk by while talking about what will go down as the craziest attempted wedding in the history of weddings. Surely this will end up on Youtube. Myspace and Facebook accounts will be filled with photos of this fiasco. I bet this is on someones Twitter page right now. And I think I'm getting old, cause I just don't like Twitter. Anyway, I can see some kids with their Blackberry cell phones recording right now. Go for it. I'm not against technology. I like technology. And I like Billy.
If only he wasn't unconscious I might tell him after all this time. But I'm a big Ole emotional scaredy cat. I send criminals to jail. I like being a criminal attorney. I compile evidence and convict bad guys, then ship them off to prison to drop the soap in the shower and get what's coming to them right up the... Ahem, I just don't like addressing my non-existent love life, which would exist if I just walk up to that darn rocket scientist, grab him by the collar, and tell him that he is mine!
Yeah, like that's gonna happen. So we continue dancing this well practiced waltz of dating a little here and there, then backing off like a TV show where everyone knows the couple love each other but they just can't ever get together cause the writers know if they got together no one would like the show anymore. And one half of my ship, and I have named Billy and myself Bini in my head... hey, don't laugh at me. It doesn't sound anymore kooky than Bradgelina. Anyhoo, the Bini ship needs to set sail and soon. Just as soon as he wakes up...maybe..
Poor Billy. Struck by a bolt of... okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. But at least he's just gonna sleep a while.
This cake is so freaking good. Tommy must have paid a fortune.
Where was I? Oh, whatever. I'm all over the place. Today was supposed to be the culmination of nearly fifteen years of Tommy and Kim's world-wind romance of wonky weirdness and wishes. Today was my best friend's wedding day. The day she's been waiting for since we were children and she forced all her boy-friends at the time to marry her in her backyard, only to divorce them ten minutes later. She was a heart-breaker like that.
So now she finally had her White Knight back and the perfect white dress in a big white church with most everyone dressed in white. Aisha said everything was so white she wondered if she was still invited. We laughed our asses off while sitting with Kim, and then we took our places at the front of the packed church.
Tommy stood so proud with Jason, waiting for Kim. He was bouncing on his heels happy, and I adored how nervous he looked. He might have needed to pee. Actually, he did race off the alter and then back pretty quick. Yeah, he had to pee.
I remember that now, while watching city workers begin to remove the rubble from the church's now missing roof. I've never seen a church cave in before, but today is a ton of firsts. Perhaps next month's Rocky and Aisha wedding will remove the strange taste of this one. Only time can tell.
I thank a little boy for giving me a plastic fork, and then begin to dig into the cake. Sha and Tanya are sitting with me as we are eating a chunk of cake from the hood of the limousine that was supposed to whisk Mr and Mrs. Oliver away to their honeymoon. Now its serving as a plate for us retired Yellow Rangers. Yes, we eat cake off a car.
And we kick ass.
And contrary to Rocky's claims, we are not the Pee Rangers.
As I eat, and agree with Sha that we need one of those unopened bottles of Chardonnay, I recall the beautiful wedding march being played just ninety minutes ago. Kimberly walked with her father down the aisle and the moment was magical. Like really magical.
Like so magical that Lord Zedd and Rita appeared out of nowhere dead center in the aisle with an army of Putties and Tengas. To say we were all shocked, both ex-Rangers and guests alike would be the understatement of the year. I was flabbergasted. The evil duo announced their return in grand fashion as if it was normal to interrupt a wedding. I didn't know what to say.
Kim, however... look, she flat out snapped.
One moment I was staring at Kim and her dad, the next I saw a woman in a full wedding dress with train fighting Putties and Tenga's. Pretty soon all the ex-Rangers were fighting, jumping off chairs, flipping over guests heads, roundhouse kicking, and generally causing what will be the most talked about attempted wedding in history. We might all get on Oprah for this.
What Kimberly did to Goldar with two candle holders will go down in history as just plain wrong. And then Lord Zedd used magic to start tossing things around, including the entire seven-tier wedding cake. All us former Yellow Rangers leapt in front of it and splat, we were caked. We all had frosting in our hair, and sprinkles all over our faces. But on we fought, defending guests and trying to figure out how Kimberly was able to beat so many Putties in her wedding dress.
Tommy, Jason, Billy, Zack, Justin, Adam, and Rocky were leaping all over the places in their suits, kicking anything that moved. I think they were enjoying themselves, hi-fiving each other and taking off their jackets. The minister ran for his life, clutching his bible while sprinting towards the exit. Kim yelled after him to stop, but he refused. And when Tommy blocked a errant bolt of magic from Rita's staff with a silver tray, it ricocheted up at the roof, bursting straight through it. We all ran for cover as the church caved in, watching the amazing scene unfold.
When Lord Zedd realized that his return had failed, he attempted to shout that he'd be back. But that was hard to do with Kim's heel in his mouth as her kick cracked his mask. The future Oliver's opened a can of whoop ass on Rita and Zedd that was so unspeakably bad-ass and left them beaten and unconscious. Tommy was posing and stuff, cause thats what he does when he fights. I still don't know why, but whatever floats your boat. Kim was PMS mad. You know. That kind of woman mad that is just so angry there ain't no stopping it. Anyway, Adam used Billy's personal teleporter to send our old enemies far, far away where our Space Ranger buddies will take care of the rest.
And while I held the other half of the Bini ship in my arms, Rocky had the nerve to shout, "Oh my God, they killed Billy." And then Jason shouted, "Those bastards." Yeah, South Park humor. Red Rangers. Courageous yes, mature... not so much.
Kim and Tommy's beautiful white wedding turned into a disaster the likes of which will be talked about for many, many years to come.
Thankfully, no one was hurt. Kimberly's disappointment was muted by the unholy rage she took out on the bad guys. When she was done kicking all that ass, she fainted. Tommy carried her away while the guys all hit the bar cause... well... look, we just fought the forces of evil at a wedding. Drinks are on the house, baby.
Speaking of drinks, Sha, Tanya and I are busy getting toasty eating cake and knocking back champagne shots. We're covered in cake and the talk of the guests who are slowly making their way to their cars. We don't care. We're getting tipsy and cakealicious.
Later on tonight I'll check in with my play-sister. She'll be fine as she's waited a damn long time to marry Tommy. So this first try didn't turn out so well. No big deal. They'll do it again and get it right next time... right?
Chapter 2: What do Aisha, the Red Cross, and flying tree's have to do with each other. They all signal yet another Tommy and Kim wedding attempt.