Title: "6 Months"

Chapter 4/7

Written by: Shawn

 

 

Summary: Spike desperately seeks Buffy's help with a particularly sensitive problem. Xander has the absolute best week of his entire life. Faith makes a startling discovery about her new boyfriend that involves her friends.

 

Category: Romance/Humor

Rated: NC-17. There is a NC-17 version of this chapter available.

Ship: Buffy/Xander

 

Timeline/Spoilers: Everything up to the BtVS series finale "Chosen" is canon except Xander losing his eye. Outside of that it's my AU. Every thing's explained in the story.

 

My personal archive: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ShawnsLibrary/

 

Disclaimer: Joss owns it all. I just let them out to play once in a while.

Email: DayShawn1974@hotmail.com

 

Authors Notes 1: Willow, Buffy, Xander, Faith, and Dawn live in Cleveland, watching over the as-of-yet unopened Hellmouth. They are currently retired and living normal lives for once. Of course every now and then a vamp sighting might spur a patrol, but for the most part they're fighting the same every day struggles and frustrations as you or I.

 

Authors Notes 2: This story is for fun and laughs. Taking it any deeper will detract from enjoying it. In other words, read it when you're in a good mood or if you need to be put in one.

 

Authors Notes 3: No angst in this chapter. Just sit back and laugh. Let the good times roll.

 

Authors Notes 3: I'm not a Spike fan. Never have been and never will be.

 

 

~~~~~~

 

“If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.”

-Jack Handy

 

~~~~~~

 

 

 

******

 

Week 11

 

******

 

 

Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment

321 Winchester Dr

Saturday, December 3, 2005  12:30 PM

Cleveland, Ohio

 

 

 

Stretched out over their king-sized bed, Buffy humorously glared up at Xander. With her head resting sideways over his bare stomach, she declared, "That is one of the most crazy stories I have ever heard in my entire life. And considering my track record in the insanity-of-life department, that's saying a lot."

 

Xander stretched out his long legs in a pair of old black sweat pants. He's lounging the day away with Buffy while detailing the most nefarious revenge plot he had ever cooked up as a child. "Willow had to be taught a lesson."

 

"At nine years old?" Buffy regarded him sarcastically.

 

"You gotta start young these days. Revenge builds character."

 

It had always been said that laughter was good for the soul. Buffy enjoyed that here with him. Tales of his youth spun with that Ole Xander charm never failed to amuse her. "Wills didn't mean for your bike to be stolen. She was just proud her bestest friend in the whole wide world had one with all the cool trick stuff on it."

 

"Yeah, you can be happy your best pal got his best gift ever from his grandfather, but you cannot tell Casey 'FatHead' Wilcox about it." Xander could still see the boy with the rat-like facial features in his minds eye. "Casey 'FatHead' Wilcox was a known felon in training at age 9. I am not kidding you when I say he had stubble in grade school. He carried a gun to school with him every day. Okay, it was a water gun, but he was well on his way to moving up to a BB gun and then..."

 

"I get the picture." Lying atop their ultra soft comforter, Buffy dug her sock-less feet into its cottony luxury. There's nothing in the world like being able to enjoy a carefree day where you don't have to do anything at all. "So you were sure this Casey 'FatHead' Wilcox guy stole your bike?"

 

Xander gently tucked a loose blond strand behind her ear, caring for her even in the smallest of ways. "Casey had a crush on Willow and always struck up conversations with her when he wasn't scaring old people. After she went on and on about how great my new Mongoose 757 trick bike was I'm sure 'FatHead' targeted it for theft."

 

Having spent the laziest morning ever with Buffy, Xander had no intention of moving a single, solitary muscle all day long. He toyed with the fingers of his wife's hand, tracing over her wedding band. The meaning behind that little gold ring was the light of his life. He didn't have everything in the world, but then again, he did. "Willow all but rode the bike into 'Flathead's' back yard herself. She co-signed the robbery."

 

"How did you know it was 'FatHead' who took your bike?"

 

Xander's snort said it all. "He rode it past my house two days after it turned up missing from my backyard. He wanted to twist the knife in my gut. He wanted me to cry, but I held in those tears until he was way down the block."

 

"Then you cried?"

 

"I plead the fifth amendment."

 

"Why didn't you try to take it back or tell his parents?"

 

"FatHead wasn't just a nickname. He actually had a very fat head to go along with his overly developed elementary school muscles. He wasn't tough like 'Saved by the Bell' Zack Morris tough. No, he was tough like Jack Bauer from '24' or that bald guy from 'The Shield'. I heard a playground legend one time that 'FatHead' hit a boy so hard his mom had a bruise on her face when she picked him up from school. He sniffed glue, shot dice, and stole candy from babies."

 

"'You said 'FatHead' was only nine years old," she sought to remind him of the lunacy of his story. All the while picking lint off his sweat pants just for an excuse to touch him. They've been like this ever since Angel left town, as if suddenly their true honeymoon had begun. Maybe it was because the past had finally been laid to rest. "Casey was just a bad little boy who needed a spanking and for someone to stand up to him."

 

"Tell that one-eyed Timmy."

 

"Why would I tell him that?”

 

"Cause he used to have two eyes. 'FatHead' was the most deadly nine year old on Earth with a sling shot."

 

Buffy pinched his side just for saying something so silly. He "ouched" as if she were killing him. His ability to over exaggerate had no equal. "What about his parents?"

 

"The word around school was that he didn't have parents. Escaped convicts took up residence in a abandoned house and raised him after he was found in a basket on the front porch with a six-pack and some Jem and the Hologram's VHS tapes."

 

While lying over her honey, Buffy enjoyed a long, satisfying yawn and then slowly slinked up Xander body until she straddled his hips. Their lovemaking early this morning left them blissfully sated for the time being, so she playfully sat there with her arms crossed, shaking her head. "Your stories are psycho."

 

His hands came to rest over her soft, smooth thighs. "I'm just divulging to you my colorful childhood."

 

"But instead of going after BigHead..."

 

"Fathead," he corrected her, all the while loving the sight of her shapely legs. Her old, fading 'Sunnydale High' gym shirt and maroon Hanes lady boxers were her typical lazy day attire. He adored how sexy she made even the most casual of clothes look. "I wanted my justice."

 

"But you never got it against 'FatHead'. Instead, you kidnapped all ten of Willow's Barbie dolls?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then called her house and when her mom picked up you told her it was you and that you wanted to talk to Willow?"

 

"Exactly."

 

"But when Willow picked up the phone you covered the receiver with a handkerchief to mask your voice like a TV show criminal? You told her your name was Alehondro Warez Moheken and you were holding her dolls hostage?"

 

"I watched plenty of A-team reruns around that time."

 

"And that's how you came up with your ransom of 10 million dollars?"

 

"A million for each doll."

 

"What in the world made you ask for it in nickels and dimes?" she laughed down at him while he toyed with a lone string dangling from the hem of her gym shirt.

 

"I figured that would be the toughest way for her to amass the ransom. I didn't want to make it easy on her."

 

"Who could pay a ransom of 10 million dollars in nickels and dimes? Who could even arrange that?"

 

Xander rose up and wrapped his long arms around Buffy, pulling her flush to his chest as they enjoyed the intimacy of being alone. She wasn't wearing any makeup today, and her hair was styled in a simple ponytail. Nevertheless, he was enchanted and so deeply in love with her. Her arms curled around his neck, effectively sealing them together. "It was not my job to wonder how Willow would get the money. I just wanted my revenge for her opening her mouth to 'FatHead' about my bike."

 

"But as soon as she started crying over the phone you immediately apologized and then ran over her house as fast as you could to give the Barbie's back." Buffy giggled in his face at the innocence of the man she loved when he was a little boy. Not wasting another minute, she leaned in and kissed him for a lingering moment, just to feel the heat of his lips warm her own. The softness of his freshly shaven face pressed to hers felt so good. "You could never be an effective criminal if hearing a girl cry could snap you out of your evil ways."

 

Xander's hands settled beneath her shirt, just over her lower back, possessively stroking the satiny skin. She wore his ring, had taken his last name, and now gave him permission to hold her so dearly. To love her like no other had before him. This was truly the best time in his entire life. "I was meant to walk the straight and narrow path, hence my spotless criminal record."

 

"I like your spotless criminal record. It match's my own quite nicely." The scent of her body wash adorning his skin was pleasing to Buffy. With her arms locked around his neck, she could inhale the fragrance from his chest and reveled in how nice it felt to share everything, even the scent of her skin with him.

 

The barely audible television in the background provided background static to their quiet banter as they wrapped up the whole 'Willow Barbie-doll Kidnapping Plot' fiasco. Ever since they made love for the very first time three weeks ago they've ascended to a new plateau of intimacy. One neither of them had ever experienced before.

 

With her lips curled just this side of a grin, Buffy shoved Xander down on his back and then shifted around and laid over his chest, her back to it. She found something sweet in the freedom of being able to drape herself over him any way that she choose. She liked being able to rub her bare legs against his or rub the heel of her foot against his ankles. She loved how he encompassed her petite frame so protectively. There was something strangely pleasurable in being able to feel small and safe with someone you loved and trusted so dearly. The fact that he was always at least semi-hard when she was pressed against him did wonders for her sensual self-esteem.

 

After a careful pause to consider her state of mind, Buffy came to one inescapable conclusion. "I'm lazy."

 

"Me too, honey." Xander squeezed her tight in his arms as she nestled back into his embrace. He was in such a good mood that even the fresh 'Bounce' scent clinging to her gym shirt made him smile. They both endured long, stressful work weeks and then argued most of Friday over something so petty until they finally agreed to disagree and were okay again. Typical relationship stuff followed by the best part. The make-up stuff.

 

Xander drew circles over her flat belly with his fingers. He wondered if she had any clue how happy she made him and then quickly dismissed the notion while he kept watch over the gentle rise and fall of her chest. His other hand calmly slipped under her shirt to firmly cup her right breast once. His intention wasn't to start something, as Buffy softly hummed her approval. It was the joy he found in being able to touch her whenever he wanted, however he wanted, all the while knowing his attentions were coveted. "So what's on tap for the day?"

 

"I have a mental itinerary," Buffy casually announced while comparing the length of her short legs to his longer

ones.

 

"Care to share?"

 

Her small hand came to rest over the larger one across her stomach, now tenderly stroking his fingers. She felt him rest his face on the side of her neck. He inhaled her perfume and then pressed a kiss there. One she leaned into for another, urging his affections. "Lets recap things thus far. We started the day off with some truly magnificent lovemaking."

 

"Hot loving in the wee hours of the morning. Check."

 

"Followed by a McDonalds catered breakfast."

 

"I live to run down the street for your McGriddle addiction."

 

Buffy allowed herself an uncharacteristic giggle because he truly did. He was a very good hubby in that regard. "We shared a shower and then dressed in our super lazy-day attire. Afterwards I came up with our schedule for the day."

 

"Do tell?"

 

"First off, I'm going to enjoy all this snuggly time with my husband." His lips brushed along her temple, leaving goosebumps in their wake. She sighed from the sweet tenderness as his arms closed tight around her again. "After that I plan on taking a lazy mid-day nap for at least an hour."

 

"We're already in bed. That's a convenient schedule."

 

Buffy rested her arms over the pair secured around her waist. "And then around 2:00 PM 'The Wedding Singer' is coming on. I plan to watch that in bed with you while eating snacks. And I am not changing clothes."

 

"Gotta get our Adam Sandler on. Check."

 

"Then we're gonna fuck after the movie."

 

Xander caught that naughty smirk she threw at him, and even had the nerve to ground her hips a little to emphasize her utter ownership of him. His body responded immediately. "You are the best schedule maker ever."

 

Buffy knew he'd approve of that one. She certainly did. "Then I'm going to take a long afternoon bubble bath while you play your XBox 360."

 

"I love to play with myself... by myself. I meant by myself."

 

"Suuure," Buffy drawled out just to mess with him. He gently bit her ear until she gave him the 'stop it' glare. "Then I'm going to finish reading my erotic and very trashy criminal courtroom novel." 

 

"Reading is fundamental. Sometime before my 80th birthday I plan to take it up as a hobby."

 

"And then I'm going to be in the mood to have more sex with you. I'll wear the cheerleader outfit you like so much and I'll probably want to be on top."

 

Xander wondered if she could feel his accelerated heartbeat through her back. "You are so bossy."

 

Her voice turned kitten-innocent and oh so sweet. "I'll let you put it anywhere."

 

"You lie! That 'Cruel Intentions' line never works out well for a guy."

 

"True, but it still turns you on."

 

"I married pure evil."

 

"You love me anyway." Buffy turned her head into his deep kiss. A warm hand framed her cheek, anchoring her to him as their lips slowly swayed back and forth. "So what do you think of my schedule?"

 

The taste of her lips on his tongue left him lightheaded. "I'm completely in favor of it, except for one thing."

 

"And that is..." Before he could answer her the phone rang. Wearing a frown, Buffy shifted over onto her stomach and then laid her head back down on his chest and shut her eyes. His hands roamed her back with soothing gentle massage. "The answering machine can get it. We are not taking any calls unless it has to do with the end of the world or someone dying."

 

"You'll hear no arguments from me."

 

Five rings later the answering machine message sounded in their bedroom.

 

"Hello. Sorry, but no one's home. And if we are home we might be checking our Caller-ID and choosing not to pick up the phone. Either way leave a message. We love you all, whoever you are, unless you're a telemarketer or bill collector. Then we don't like you very much. Sincerely, Buffy and Xander Summers."

 

"Hey!" Xander squeaked in his wife's ear. "You did that on purpose. Everyone will question my manhood and call me Mr. Summers."

 

"Yes I did, now hush. Lets see who's interrupting our lazy day." He tried to pout but she smooched it away and then ruffled his hair until he rocked her to stop.

 

The answering machine clicked on. Dawn's voice came through loud and clear. "Where are you two? I've been trying to reach you guys on your cell phones all morning." Buffy and Xander mocked Dawn while pointing to their turned-off cell phones on the dresser. "I'm booorrred," she groaned into the phone. "We should hook up and do something. No, I'm not pathetic because I don't have a boyfriend. Stop laughing." Buffy and Xander were laughing, a little. "Anyway, hit me back and let me know what's up. Later."

 

"Sorry sis, we will not be calling," Buffy yawned yet again, and then shifted off so that she laid next to Xander with her arm draped across his broad chest. His arm wrapped around her lower back, his hand resting over her hip. Her nails trailed softly over his ribs, ghosting affection in their wake. "Dawn goes through men like a vampire at a blood drive."

 

"Look at you and your vampire humor."

 

"It's a gift." The phone had the nerve to ring again. Buffy and Xander did their best to ignore it until the answering machine picked up and went through the greeting again. This time Willow was calling.

 

"Hey guys, sorry I missed you. I was just calling to gossip. It seems your favorite redheaded witch did a little base running with Oz last night after his show. Nothing too major, and no we didn't cross home base. But it was very interesting playing with a 'bat' again. And by the word 'bat', I mean penis," Willow snickered and then added, "Hey, Buff. Look at Xander's cringing face. I said penis. Penis, penis, penis."

 

Her singsong voice did the trick. Certainly, Xander's face was cringing. Buffy smiled against his shoulder.

 

"Anyhoo, I'll tell all when we talk. Bye guys. I'll catch ya later."

 

Xander massaged his temple with one hand in an 'I have a headache' sort of cringing pose. "Why must she utter the word penis? She knows how it effects me to hear her use the clinical name for the male sexual organ."

 

"Don't you think it's a bit strange you feel that way?"

 

"No. Of course not. I have my quirky vices and that's one of them." The feel of Buffy's warm lips connecting with his chest was pleasurable to say the least. He kissed the top of her head while holding her closer.

 

The phone rang yet again.

 

"Why are we so popular today?" Buffy wondered and then shut her eyes again.

 

"And where was this popularity in high school?" Xander snuggled against his wife's cheek with his leg curled under hers.

 

"Sup' bitches?" Faith offered as an opening greeting. "I know you're home. Pick up the phone. You ain't fooling nobody."

 

Xander and Buffy grinned mischievously. Yes, they knew they were fooling somebody. That somebody being all their friends. Especially since their cars weren't in parked in the front of their apartment building like usual.

 

"I know your cells phones are turned off," Faith stated while pacing her apartment. "I know you're listening to me talk right now. You bitches probably think you're slick by parking your cars at that Greek restaurant down the street so that if anyone stopped by your place they wouldn't see your cars. Well you didn't fool me. I know your tricks. You two lazy bums are trying to duck me. I know your game."

 

"We have game?" Xander whispered to Buffy. She nodded. "Cool."

 

"Look, when you're done acting like you're not at home how about you call your girl and lets hook up for drinks tonight. If you're lucky I might even introduce you to my new boy toy." She then remembered, "Buff, I'm in for your card game Monday night. It's about time we made some normal friends. I'll bring the alcohol. All you ever have to drink is that watered-down crap."

 

"No I don't," Buffy whispered. Xander nodded that in fact she does drink the watered-down stuff. "It's... it's less filling," she offered meekly.

 

"So call me sometime later when you're not acting like lazy bastards. And for the last time you bitches aren't slick. I know you're there. So there." The line went dead.

 

Xander began to wonder if their answering machine had turned to the dark side of the Force. "Should I just pull the jack out of the wall?"

 

The feel of his right hand caressing her inner thigh felt so good Buffy hummed in the back of her throat. She cuddled into his side and kissed his shoulder. "We will leave it on in case of an emergen... OH MY GOD! TURN UP THE TV!"

 

Xander's eyes shot wide open when he saw the first commercial for Andrew's new line of romance novels come on the TV. He reached for the remote and pressed up on the volume.

 

"... from first time author Andrew Brick Meyers. An amazing journey of discovery that spans ten years. A love story for the ages..."

 

Buffy could swear she was hearing things. "Andrew changed his name? His middle name is Brick now?" She thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. "Says the girl named Buffy."

 

"... trio of epic romance stories detailing the long, arborous journey towards forever. These three novels will encompass the love of Alexander and his soul mate Elizabeth from the earliest days of their friendship to so much more. In two weeks 'Love, Love, Everlasting Love' will be released to bookstores across America. Three months later will see "I'm So In Love With Love That I Love You Too" arrive on bookshelves. The finale of the 'Love' trilogy is 'Lost Love, Love Found, Love for a Lifetime'. It will follow just two short months after the second entry."

 

Buffy and Xander watched the rest of the commercial, complete with its dreamy music and overly dramatic actors as if they were in a trance. However did Andrew convince a multi-million dollar book publisher that he could right convincing romance was beyond them. Nonetheless, they had already pre-ordered the books because he was a friend and they were curious as hell if he could pull this off.

 

Xander muted the volume. "That commercial proves that anything is possible." He scratched his head. "Maybe I should have gone to that American Idol audition after all."

 

"Me too. And I sing worse than you."

 

"I don't sing badly. I carry a jaunty tune quite nicely, If I do say so myself."

 

"Exactly. Only you say so." His hand shoved down inside her boxers and gave her backside a little smack. She stuck her tongue out at him "The truth hurts, but someone had to tell you. Your singing could wake the dead. And as you know, I am an expert on the dead."

 

"You're so lucky you look hot."

 

Buffy playfully scowled at him. "Don't make me rob you of your manhood by throwing you up in the air a few times like I did last week."

 

"That's it! I want a divorce."

 

"Nope."

 

"Fine!"

 

"Fine!" Buffy laughed when it dawned on him that exchange didn't go as well as he had planned. She kissed his cheek hard. He had the nerve to try and avoid her, but she yanked him closer, lying half over his

body now. "I adore you, honey."

 

Despite the cold Cleveland winter descending upon the city in blustery snowdrifts, their bedroom was a warm and cozy haven away from it all. After sparing a glance at their icy bedroom window, Xander had no intention of going anywhere or doing anything that involved putting on clothes, leaving their apartment, or getting out of bed with his wife.

 

In fact, having her sexy Slayerness pressed warmly against him provoked a familiar hunger that swelled anew. He fell in love with the sensual sounds she made when he began nuzzling the side of her neck with kisses she allowed at first, and then shifted away from.

 

Buffy sat up and wagged her finger in a "no, no, no" pose. "Lovemaking is not on my schedule at this

time." Xander's openly lusty gaze exposed a complete lack of caring for her schedule. As did that rapidly hardening bulge nudging her hip. Despite enjoying his undeniable desire for her, she quickly grabbed the television remote from next to him. "The schedule has us enjoying snuggly time only," she taunted him, half aroused herself despite what she said.

 

They'd been very 'active' since breaking down that final wall between them. Despite holding him at bay, Buffy's hazel eyes hid a certain wickedness. He looked ready to pounce on her. "You should do some math problems so all that blood traveling down south can go back up north."

 

"I love it when you sound like Map Quest."  

 

There was a compliment in there... somewhere... maybe.

 

When Buffy turned her back on him she slowly crawled on all fours toward the edge of the bed. The boxers she wore drew tight around her sweet little ass in a way he knew was an act of calculated seduction. She tossed the remote on the floor, but remained in that oh so naughty pose, and then graced him with a smirk over her shoulder.

 

"Hey!" Buffy yelped when Xander quickly grabbed her from behind and then spun her around on her back before passionately covering her mouth with his. The greedy heat of his kiss devoured her soft lips and then his tongue gently parted her mouth, diving inside to tangle with hers as he settled his solid weight over her. Something he knew she loved the feel of.

 

"This isn't," Buffy attempted to say, "part of," he sucked on her tongue in a way that made her thighs clench together, "my schedule," she was barely able to mumble when his hand began inching her shirt up her chest and then over her head, tossed on the floor.

 

"You are so beautiful," Xander whispered in a hush tone over her luscious mouth. When Buffy ran her tongue over her rosy lips the vision alone made his breath catch deep in his throat. Everywhere their skin touched felt hot, as if an electric current ran between them. He dove for her neck, the heat of his breath fanning flames over her skin that caused her to shiver beneath him. "You smell good enough to eat."

 

Her hand rose to caress over his cheek, her fingers toying past his chin. "I love you."

 

"I love you more."

 

With her pulse pounding rapidly, Buffy wondered how had he ever learned the ability to render her speechless. This was the side of him she never imagined existed, and yet her love for him was now so powerful, and so complete she had finally stopped questioning the surprises life threw at her. "You make me feel precious when you look at me like that."

 

"That's what I'm here for," he promised in her ear, nibbling the lobe before capturing her lips again. Her fingers combed through his short, dark hair, gently holding him over her.

 

Her whole body jolted when the hard length of his erection pressed solid against her center. Her thighs parted, admitting him more space as they began to grind slowly against each other. A fiery tension coiled in her belly, the ache to be filled growing ever desperate by the second.

 

"The schedule," she squeaked while his mouth sampled the tender flesh of her neck, marking her skin, branding her as his alone. Her breath came with a gasp each time his teeth gently bit into her. "This isn't part of the..." she nibbled her lip when he thrust once against her, sliding his hard body low for maximum contact. She was swollen and moist that very instant. "Xand... baby," she whimpered onto the side of his face, clutching the back of his head to her neck. Heat flashes swept over her when he ran his tongue over her pulse.

 

His strong hands kneaded her thighs while braced down so that she felt what exactly she did to him. The feel of her nails dragging over his back left his mind in a primal state. The brush of her stiffened nipples over his chest made it hard for him to breathe. "I want you now."

 

"Give me ten million dollars," she teased in a hushed tone of voice until his head dipped low over her chest. All conscious thought suddenly fled her mind. Her spine arched when his mouth closed around a peaked nipple, wetly lashing his tongue about the complete slope of her breast, and then suckled the tip until she writhed beneath

him. "I want it in pennies."

 

"You are so going to get it," he laughed a half-second before drinking love from her lips once more, the ever constant ache in his sweat pants driving him mad. "I thought you loved me."

 

"I'm not sure if..." she squeezed his bare ass inside his sweat pants while listening to the soft, nursing sounds he made while inhaling her other nipple. The sensations his tongue drew from her body triggered her rising

emotions. "You'll ever know how much I love you."

 

Ravenous for her, Xander took her left hand and shoved it inside his sweat pants, forcing her to reach around his throbbing cock. His eyes rolled into the back of his head and a loud groan tore free of his throat when she began slow stroking him from root to tip. "That's what you do to me... I want you all the time... every day of my life."     

 

Hot, hard, and thick in the palm of her hand, he swelled within her grip. She felt powerful touching him like this. She took his hand down inside her boxers so that he could feel... slick and so soft... hot for him alone. "I can't wait to feel you inside me... Xander, please."

 

All Buffy had to do was lift her hips. Xander's hands violently wrenched her boxers down off her and then quickly tore at his sweat pants. Her legs parted for him, and then wrapped around him as the throbbing head of his cock pushed so slowly inside her until she had all of him... every inch buried deep, lost forever in her soulful embrace.

 

The methodical collision of Xander's hips into hers were meant to draw out the sweet pleasure of making

love. Long, driving surges rocked into her as the bed began to shake. Their foreheads pressed together, both staring into the others hungry gaze until the need to kiss overwhelmed them. Their lips merged hard and passionate.

 

Sheathed inside the moist, snug heat of her; Xander's hands lightly skimmed over her slender hips and squeezed. Her ghost of a yelp in his mouth sent him balls deep, and then she bit his lip, locked her legs tighter around him, and said...

 

"You feel so good to me, Xan..."

 

"I love you so much," was his reply. Her thighs quivered with the rhythmic impact of his deep, grinding thrusts. Making love to her was a secret paradise only he had access to. The muscles in his back stained with exertion as he filled her time and time again, and with every deep thrust she "ahhhed" so beautifully.

 

While the heady scent of them thrilled her, it was the pressure of his heavy weight descending as he buried himself inside her... she whimpered against his lips, nipping at his tongue, her body stretched deliciously tight, so silky smooth around his hard cock. The brushing tingle of her pebbled nipples dragging over his broad chest made her thrash shamelessly. "I love you... God, I love you so much."

 

The erotically steady beat of his hips against hers underscored the slow love making were engaged in. Xander didn't expect this to be some all out sexfest, nor did he crave that. Here, he only wanted her... wanted to hear her whining moans and the feel of her strong legs locked tight around her, as gripping as the way her sex clung on his every withdrawal only to spread asunder when he dove back inside her.

 

"Don't stop, baby... feels so good." Buffy's nails dug into the firm cheeks of his backside, kneading the flesh while he moved so aggressively above her. The intensely pleasurable feelings he stirred saw her eyes close shut while panting hotly against his neck. The tips of her breasts felt swollen against his chest, her heart sounding a rapid drum against him. Her whole body rocked back and forth as the bed shifted. Her fingers couldn't decide on raking through his hair, chasing passion across his back, or gripping his ass every time he lunged so deep inside her she whimpered her gratification.

 

The heavy breathing in her ear when she began moving her hips in hard circles was evidence enough he loved what she was doing. As if the heat of his mouth all over her neck hadn't left her trembling, the sheer size of her husband’s thick cock pounding harder caused her spine to arch high. She held onto his arms for a time, the muscles tensing beneath her fingertips.

 

"Yes," she cried out as the rhythmic slaps of being fucked so good filled the room, "Uhhnnn," she gasped

again. She felt the cheeks of his ass straining in her hands with effort. She loved how big he felt over her, protective and erotic at the same time. "You're fucking me so good," she kissed him again, chasing his lips.

 

Male pride tore through Xander as their sweat mingled and their bodies collided with rising fury. The tempo increased, became charged with their energy as they worked together now, colliding passionately. "I can't... I can’t believe you're mine sometimes."

 

"I love you," was gasped by his ear, her ankles now locked over his lower back as he began to pound her into the bed, taking his woman hard as he wanted to. "I'm yours," she told him, knowing how much he loved to hear

that. "I'm all yours."

 

Xander groaned his love for her, grinding her clit against his pelvic bone while she twisted and writhed underneath him. Her slick, heated inner muscles squeezed around him while his chest heaved above her with quick breaths. The slippery, gliding feel of her began to clench tight. Her voice rose higher as her hips bucked, jerking wildly. He took her faster, harder the way he knew she needed to climax.

 

When it hit her... when her orgasm finally hit her with the detonation of an emotional bomb she wrapped arms and legs around his body so tight while shuddering all over and around him, her silent wail accompanying endless waves of satisfying pleasure coursing through her.

 

Her name and God were groaned in her ear as his orgasm rushed jets of warmth inside her, throbbing over and over again. So erotically perfect neither Buffy nor Xander heard the phone ring six times... nor the answering machine pick up... and certainly not Spike's pleading, teary voice.

 

"... I have to see you, luv. My plane arrives Monday night. I'm desperate. I'm coming straight to your apartment. DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS. PLEASE?!!"

 

Xander's gasping breathing was all he heard, his body slack and lifeless above his wife, his face pressed to the crook of her neck while she held him, her soothing hand roaming up and down his back.

 

"Honey?" Buffy asked when she finally opened her eyes again. "Did you hear the phone ring?"

 

"I heard my ears ringing. That's about it." She laughed against his cheek. It was nothing to turn his face a little and kiss her again, which he did softly. "I love you."

 

"I love you too."

 

He grinned above her. "So, you want ten million dollars in pennies?"

 

He had heard her. That's one of the many reasons she loves him. He always listens. "Yes, but I'll offer you a deal."

 

"Lay it on me."

 

"Kiss me again and I'm yours forever?"

 

He did and she was.

 

 

 

******

 

 

******

 

 

Buffy and Xander Harris's Apartment

321 Winchester Dr

Monday, December 5, 2005  9:30 PM

Cleveland, Ohio

 

 

 

This, in Buffy's most humble opinion, was progress.

 

Seated at her oval kitchen table with Faith, Willow, Dawn and her newest neighbor Janine, Buffy enjoyed her so-far successful first foray into normalcy of hosting a ladies night. Minus testosterone of any kind thanks to Xander attending a "Men's Night" gathering which pretty much consisted of backyard football in the snow followed by a XBOX 360 game playing tournament and all the pizza they could eat, the women were far more classy and mature.

 

An expensive bottle of wine, a deck of cards, couple of scented candles, and feminine ritual of gossiping, talking about men behind their backs, bitching out overpaid celebrities, debating over who's hot right now, and discussing fashion spoke of just how far ahead on the evolutionary scale women were in comparison to their male counterparts.

 

Buffy won the second hand of poker they played after Janine won the first. The married 25 year old photo journalist and her husband had moved into the building only two weeks ago and already the female Scoobs had been keeping track of her as a potential new and first "normal friend." Someone not connected to anything mystical, magical, or weird in any way. Faith didn't care near as much to have a "normal friend" as they did, but since she was getting laid regularly again she didn't mind much of anything.

 

As for Buffy, Dawn, and Willow they were all very proud of their world-saving accomplishments in Sunnydale. They worked together to protect mankind and despite all the mistakes they made and all that had happened it was now in the past. Their present consisted of work, traffic, college, relationships, bills, managing money, and other real life situations.

 

Normal things.  

 

And in Buffy's mind normal things meant that at some point they'd have to meet, talk to, and befriend normal people. Perhaps that would give them in essence a feeling of normalcy themselves. So far so good as the first bottle of wine was long gone and they were on their third. The whimsical topic of the moment was ladies what they would have done if they were Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie stole their husband.

 

They'd get around to a political discussion later... probably... maybe... depends on how much wine was left.

 

"Jen didn't stand a chance in hell," Faith offered through a cloud of cigarette smoke while looking over a less than impressive hand she had just

been dealt. "Not many bitches can stand toe to toe with Angelina Jolie and win. Hell, even I'd have to work hard on that one. If you watch Mr. and Mrs. Smith and think they weren't banging behind the scenes then you need your head examined."

 

"Brad's a jerk for cheating," Dawn gave her opinion and then edited it by adding, "Of course I wouldn't of have been able to say no to him either. The minute he smiled at me I would have yelled 'SEX NOW PLEASE!"

 

Despite the kookier Dawn seemed to get as she got older, Buffy secretly loved having her sister around. She'd never tell her that, but it was

the truth. "We may never know if they actually cheated or not, but one thing is for sure. If your husband is forty years old and isn't a father and you know he wants kids then you'd better ante up or walk away. Angie was ready to give him what Jennifer wouldn't. Right or wrong that's life. Plus, I hated 'Friends' so I may be anti-Jen."

 

"I couldn't agree more, Buffy. I hate cheaters as much as the next girl, but women have to know the men they are married too. Brad wasn't going to wait on that family forever. Especially since he's forty now. And lets be real. The line of women who would have Brad's baby stretches for miles," Janine laughed with her newest gal pals.

 

Seeing as she was tonights designated driver, Willow munched another gooey, cheese drenched nacho. "I never really jumped on the Brad Pitt bandwagon, but I've been on the Angelina Jolie caravan since Day 1. I do not condone cheating in any way but if you're going to cheat and be bad and do the big wrong thing then at least let it be with one of the most beautiful women in the world. I'm also biased because 'Friends' never had any lesbian or bisexual friends. My TV bias is rearing its ugly, politically incorrect head."

 

"Angie took Jennifer's man to Africa, gave him her kids, and probably the best pussy of his life. It ain't right but it happened. Time for her to get the fuck on with her life already," Faith stated as blunt as ever. "B, if you were in Jen's place and Angelina stole Xander what would you do?"

 

"Kill him. No one forces a guy to cheat. If he does then its his fault. I don't subscribe to the Jerry Springer Show belief that you blame the other girl. Its always the guys fault. She can flirt in his face all she wants but the guy actually has to cheat for an affair to happen. I blame and then bludgeon or mutilate the guy first. Now that's not to say I would be opposed to some hair pulling or bitch slapping. I am a pro bitch-slapper."

 

Janine already loved Buffy's quirky personality. "Slap her but kill him. That's what I would do as well."

 

"Don't kill the cheater," Faith made it clear while looking around the table. "Just get yourself a long sharp, Gensu knife and cut off his..."

 

"And then when you see it lying on the floor and he's screaming," Dawn continued, "Kick it out of the front door and..."

 

"Run it over with your car," Willow concluded to a chorus of laughter. "Removing the penis of a cheater via a sharp blade is like removing badness from the world. Sometimes its a necessary action. Topic Ended."

 

"Woman Law?" Buffy looked around the table similar to the male beer commercial. They all nodded.

 

"WOMAN LAW!" They said unified.

 

Buffy tossed in her final thoughts as they finished their latest hand of poke, this time seeing Willow as the victor. Her good mood was contagious as they seemed to settle in comfortably with their newest friend who thankfully didn't see them as crazy or strange in any way.

 

Crazy and strange was back in the remains of Sunnydale, California. Back when Buffy's evenings included hunting through dark cemeteries, staking vampires, beheading demons, praying Tide really could get any stain out of her clothes even if it was the blood of a creature they certainly didn't know existed, and the icky job of washing vamp dust out of her hair. Those wild days of yesteryear provided more than a few thrills and five times as many tragedies. The here and now was where she lived and building new relationships with new people based on being normal was what she hoped for.

 

Faith was normal. Okay, so she was a former Slayer who still occasionally beat up guys in bars, but she was pretty normal these days. Buffy thought it was kind of cool to have an ex-con as a good friend. Her lack of killing anyone in a really long time did wonders in helping them establish a strong bond based on their former shared destiny and a private love of all things chocolate.

 

Dawn was her sister and she loved her dearly even when the younger Summers drove her crazy. And by crazy Buffy meant 'popping ten Zoloft's a day' sort of crazy as Dawn was known to stalk guys behind trees and date men who had no last names. The former dimensional gate 'Key' turned beautiful college student was pretty normal for her age. Her choices in men needed improvement, but Buffy wasn't one to ever criticize her on that considering her outrageous track record of stupidity. All in all Dawn Summers was normal.

 

Willow Rosenberg, powerful bisexual Coven witch that she was could be very normal when she wanted too. While it was true that the broom, dust pan, vacuum cleaner, and garbage can in her apartment were cursed to do their jobs whether she was around or not wasn't technically normal, but it was normal for a woman to use any means necessary to make housework as easy as possible. So in that way alone Willow was normal. In addition she hadn't tried to destroy the world since that one bad time. That was progress indeed. And she was a natural red head. Unlike Buffy, who had long ago made peace with needing a wee bit of help from 'Ms Clairol' in maintaining her blondness, Will's was auburn natural

 

That was good and normal indeed.

 

Janine however... Janine was very, very normal. Her handsome husband was transferred to Cleveland by his job less than a month ago from Kentucky. They've been married for 3 years and seem very happy with each other. Buffy liked Janine's casual personality as well as her wild college stories. The Slayer had more than a few of those herself, but they would include things of a demon butchering non-normal nature, so she often declined. But all in all the brunette with the short tresses and brown eyes was very normal and sweet.

 

She was just the kind of person Buffy wanted as a new friend. Mrs. Janine Washington had no destiny, secret past, or prophecy attached to her life. She liked football, good beer, and kids. She hadn't cut anything tougher than a steak with a knife in her entire life and vampires where only present in her DVD collection. She grew up loving 'The Lost Boys' with Kiefer Sutherland and Corey Feldman.

 

Buffy couldn't hold that against her. It was all very normal indeed.  

 

"It amazes me that all of you are from Sunnydale," Janine declared while dealing a new hand. "It's so interesting that the whole group of you moved to the same city in the same state at the same time." The slightly 'deer-in-headlights- expressions on their faces amused her. "When the news reports came on about a whole city sinking into the ground Paul and I were terrified it was a terrorist attack or something."

 

Dawn looked to Willow. Willow looked to Faith. Faith shrugged and then deferred to Buffy. Buffy cleared her throat and then said, "We were just happy to get out of there alive. It was a very unnormal day, unlike the very normal days we live these days."  She looked to her friends. "Right?"

 

"Oh yeah, definitely normal," Dawn backed her sister up. "We reek of normal. If it's not normal then we want no part of it." She smiled really wide.

 

"We like to keep things normal these days," Willow chimed in before politely nudging Faith.

 

"Them bitches is nuts," Faith just blurted out to Janine. "Blondie used to kill vampires and even banged a couple of them. She stabbed me once too. Jail bait over there didn't even exist six years ago and when she did a nut case man/woman named Glory tried to use her to open a dimensional gate to a Hell world that would have sucked ours up like a two dollar ho. Red is a kinda/sorta lesbo super-witch who used to bang a werewolf and probably will again soon before to long. As for Mr. Blondie, he's dated more than five women who have all tried to kill him at some point. Yeah, we're real normal."

 

Again with the severe 'deer-in-headlights' expressions, Janine saw on Buffy, Dawn, and Willow's faces pale in a still picture sort of way. She suddenly burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of what Faith claimed. "And can I assume you kicked Frankenstein's ass too?"

 

Faith loved the floored expressions her friends wore. Pushing their buttons made her day. "Frankenstein is about the only evil we haven't encountered. Though I could tell you a few things about the First Evil. See, this guy or girl or whatever it was could..."

 

"FAITH!" Buffy yelled to grab her attention. Her 'exnay' smile was firmly in place. "Our nice, new, and normal friend doesn't need to hear anymore of your fairy tales, comprenday?"

 

The interplay between them underscored how close they all were in Janine's eyes. "It's okay, Buffy. I know a thing or two about fairy tales. Just yesterday my hubby actually had the nerve to say he thought he saw you carrying a refrigerator up a flight of stairs all by yourself and that you weren't even breaking a sweat or anything. How crazy is that?" she laughed.

 

"That's sooooooooooo crazy," Buffy nodded and then offered the 'come on' look to the others who also nodded. Faith just rolled her eyes and opened another bottle of wine. She finally nodded when Buffy wouldn't stop staring at her. 

 

Thankful that little bit of unease was over with, Buffy turned her attention to the offending ringing sound of the cordless phone lying on the table next to her. She checked the Caller-ID and then pressed the pick up button. "I told you not to call me this late, Juan. My husband's usually home around this time."

 

"That would be oh so funny Mrs. Harris if your darling husband wasn't freezing his well-toned backside off," Xander complained through chattering teeth as the wind howled behind him. "John's wife came home early and called an end to 'Men's Night'. I need to come home."

 

"I love you but you can't come home. 'Women's Night' isn't over yet."

 

"Uhm, honey. We live in Cleveland now and its early December. All that white stuff falling and swirling around outside is called snow."

 

"Its not that cold." Buffy took her newest hand and was quite delighted that it looked like a pretty good one. "And I saw you leave wearing your coat and gloves."

 

"It's 17 freaking degrees!"

 

"Can you see your breath?"

 

"Yes!"

 

"Well its chilly but not all that cold. Can't you stop by Oz's for an hour or so? Just until 'Women's Night' concludes? Its my first one and its going very well so far."

 

Suddenly, Xander felt kinda homeless. All he needed was a old stick with a bag of clothes at the end and a slow moving train to hop onto parts

unknown. "Honey, I just want to crawl into our nice, warm bed and relax while watching the brilliant drama that is The Wonder Years. I'll go straight to our bedroom, okay?"

 

"Men are not allowed on 'Women's Night'. Just tough it out another hour or so. Your car has a good heater."

 

"You have no idea how much love I feel flowing from you over this phone. Never mind your lack of caring about the carbon monoxide poisoning I might die of."

 

"Must you always be a drama queen?" Buffy teased into the receiver. "I love you and I need another hour. Bye, bye." Pressing end, she laid the phone back on the table. "Men," she uttered with a cute head shake.

 

"That was evil, B." Faith clinked wine glasses with her. "I liked it. I support your brand of evil."

 

"Cool." Buffy frowned when the phone rang again. The Caller-ID was unmistakable. "I only asked for an hour, Xan."

 

"Oz isn't home and the temperature is falling. I'm freezing all those sexy parts of me you like so well."

 

"It's not that late. Can't you hang out at a McDonalds or something for another..." Buffy checked her watch, "Fifty-five minutes?"

 

"Do you not care that your husband is standing out in a blizzard?!!!"

 

"Of course I care. I just think you can take it a little while longer. Prove what a big, strong man you are. See ya in under an hour." Buffy ended the call and then looked around the table. "He'll live."

 

"But... but its cold out there. And ever since Xander started working out there's less of him to keep him warm," Dawn worried out loud.

 

Buffy considered it for a moment. "Having a penis allows him to stay warmer."

 

"WOMEN LAW!" Willow called out and then finished off another nacho. Everyone around her nodded in agreement and then followed it with a unified "WOMAN LAW!" chant.

 

Minutes later after Dawn won her first hand the phone rang again. Buffy didn't need to read the Caller-ID this time. She gave an exasperated, "Hello?"

 

"I want a divorce!"

 

"Never!" Buffy answered with a smile and then took pity on her other half. "Come on home honey. I'm sorry for letting you freeze your tush off."

 

"You're so gonna wear the cheerleader outfit tonight."

 

"Okay," she giggled into the line. "Love you, Xan. Drive safe, alright?"

 

"See you soon oh evil woman who owns my heart."

 

Laughing to herself, Buffy heard the click and then laid the phone back down. It was a strange thing for her to accept that she's so happy in her personal life when that was never the case in the past. She truly liked the feeling.

 

"Buffy," Janine drew her attention, causing the Slayer to look her way. "I just want to thank you again for having me over. Paul and I are new to town and meeting friends these days isn't easy with everyone having a busy schedule and all. You've made me really feel comfortable and welcome with you guys."

 

"No thanks are necessary," Buffy assured her. "We like you and your normal lifestyle." Realizing that sounded a bit odd, she quickly amended, "You and your husband are fun to be around, so its cool. Next weeks 'Women's Night will be at Willow's house."

 

"I'll be sure to give you my address before we leave," Willow offered happily. "I'll be making margarita's. I also like to be called 'the Margarita Queen.'"

 

"Will's margarita's are to die for," Dawn complimented her friend. "She even made Faith pass out once."

 

"I did not pass out!" Faith settled back in her chair. "My... my eyes were sleepy. I was resting them." 

 

"Riiiiiight," Buffy laughed at her expense. At that very moment someone began banging loudly on the front door.

 

"BUFFY, OPEN UP PLEASE!!" was heard somewhat muted in the kitchen where they were playing cards. The voice carried with it a British accent, but was clearly a woman's voice.

 

Dawn, who was seated closest to the living room stood from her chair. "I'll go see who it is before my sister beats the person up. She's into violence that way."

 

"Banging on my front door like that isn't likely to change my violent ways. Be sure to impart that to whoever is interrupting 'Women's Night'" Buffy followed Dawn with her eyes until she reached the door and peeked through the peephole. "Who is it? Do you recognize her?"

 

Dawn stared... and stared some more... and then wondered if she'd drank to much wine tonight. Yeah, that had to be it.  Because if that wasn't it then what she was seeing was trouble with a capital T.

 

Swallowing hard in the back of her throat, Dawn slowly opened the door. A very pale woman dressed in all black with short-cropped platinum hair and cheekbones that were eerily familiar and yet different rushed past Dawn towards the kitchen seeking her sister.

 

"BUFFY THOSE BITCHES TURNED ME INTO A WOMAN! I NEED YOUR HELP!" Spike cried out frantically before spotting the open bottle of wine on the table. "I... Hey, you mind if I cop a swig of the spirits? I'm in a bad way tonight, luv."

 

All eyes were focused solely on the woman in the black trench coat. Her decidedly British accent sounded all too much like a certain vampire the Scoobs knew very well.

 

"Who the fuck are you?" Faith demanded first as she stood to her feet and began walking around the stranger. "Fucking no?!" she sounded off when it dawned on her who she was looking at. "Spike?!"

 

"Yes and its nice to see you again too, Faith." Leaning over the table, palms flat on the surface, Spike continued, "Slayer, I got myself in a wee bit of trouble and I need your assistance. Red's too."

 

Shocked by the unbelievably rude entrance of this stranger, Janine waited for a cue as to how to act. Obviously they knew this woman. But they didn't seem all to happy to see her. She figured she might as well keep her mouth shut for now.

 

"You have breasts," Willow point outed verbally and with her outstretched hand towards Spike's chest. "You didn't have breasts the last time I saw you. And they look pretty nice. Firm and supple. Kind of ewww, but supple."

 

Spike sighed. "Thank you for your appraisal of my boobs. Now kindly sod off until I have need of you." He spun around to face a Buffy who looked startled to say the least. "I've gotten myself into one hell of a bloody mess, luv. I was shagging around with a gypsy back in London and didn't realize this other little kitten I was diddling was her older sister. Suffice to say when they found out they were none to pleased." He began nervously pacing the table, hands running through his hair. "THEY FUCKING CURSED ME INTO A WOMAN!"

 

Faith was already opening another bottle of wine. "This is gonna be good."

 

Spike took Dawn's vacated chair. Her 'Hey' was ignored. "They told me that if I don't find the cure in seven days I'll remain a woman forever. So I need you and the gangs help to undo this before I'm stuck this way forever!"

 

As if a dam of amusement burst, Dawn's laughter rang out so loud and piercing that when Willow, Buffy, and Faith joined her Janine found it a bit disturbing. Not quite normal at all.

 

"THIS ISN'T FUNNY! MY PECKER IS GONE! I'VE BEEN THIS WAY SINCE SATURDAY AND I ONLY HAVE FIVE DAYS LEFT TO BECO0ME A MAN AGAIN!" Spike found their reactions unhelpful in every possible way. "Can a can get some sympathy here?"

 

At this point Janine was sure this person was on drugs. She just hoped her new friends weren't on drugs too. "Is this some kind of joke?" she asked a bit hesitantly. "A man can't be turned into a woman. That's insane."

 

Spike crossed his arms. "I'm no man, luv. I'm a vampire."

 

"If you're a vampire then I'm the queen of England." Janine rolled her eyes.

 

Spike gave the once over to the pretty brunette seated next to Willow. "You a S.I.T?"

 

"A sit?" Janine looked around the table. "What's a sit?" 

 

"What, are you a witch or something?"

 

"No."

 

"Willow's new girl-toy?"

 

"I'm married to a man." Quickly, Janine added, "Not that if I swung that way I wouldn't be head over heels for you, Willow."

 

The witch smiled. "Thanks."

 

"Uhm," Buffy sprang to her feet and grabbed Spike by the sleeve of his trench coat. "Why don't we talk about this someplace private so that my new friend doesn't think we're all nuts. And then you can explain to me why the hell you didn't call before just coming over here first."

 

The Slayer's attempt to play it off as a momentary bout of weirdness didn't sit well with Spike. He'd hoped for... well, maybe not some sort of sappy reunion, but at least something other than her anger. "So you blokes are just sitting around here drinking your," he knocked back a long pull from the bottle on the table, "Surprisingly good wine while playing cards in an attempt to act like you're all Brady Bunch-esq?" His smirk turned downright carnal when he saw the fear of being exposed as anything less than normal flashed on their faces. All accept Faith of course.

 

Turning to the woman he did not recognize, Spike addressed her. "How about I show you a nice, normal trick." Grabbing the open wine bottle he doused Willow with it three items, the liquid splashing from the bottle's nozzle toward her. The strange thing was that the liquid seemed to hit an invisible barrier that caused a waterfall-like ripple effect that kept any wetness from actually touching the witch at all.

 

Janine stared in mute shock.

 

"Our dear witch-goddess casted a no-spill spell on herself years ago because of her love of Starbucks coffee and fear of getting it in her clothes. She's a very powerful spell caster who was once a bit uncoordinated, you see." Peering into the living room, Spike ran from the table for the weight set in the corner. He found the bar stacked with 230 pounds. Grabbing it with one hand he quickly tossed it all the way across the apartment toward Buffy, who caught it easily with one hand.

 

Janine stared in mute shock. Buffy had to weigh 110 pounds at best and her arm should have broken the moment she plucked it from mid-air. Instead, she held it like it weighed as much as a fork. She wasn't struggling in the least.

 

"Then there's this." Spike ran over to Janine and vamped out. "I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!"

 

"OH MY GOD!" Janine raced from the kitchen like she was on fire and straight out of Buffy's apartment as fast as her feet would carry her, screaming the whole time.

 

Spike smiled triumphantly at ending this farce and then found himself lifted off his feet as a very angry Slayer held by the collar of his dark shirt. "Now luv, I knew you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of me for long but at least you could help me get my manhood back first."

 

"You stupid, inconsiderate, Billy Idol-wannabe jerk!" Buffy yelled at him. "Janine was nice and normal, Spike! Normal! She had a husband and liked football and wasn't that great a driver like me. Now you've scared her off and she'll never come near us again. I'm going to become the top gossip of the laundry room. I DON'T WANT TO BE GOSSIPED ABOUT IN A LAUNDRYROOM!"

 

Spike shrugged. "She looked kinda sneaky. I might have done you a favor. I bet she steals silverware."

 

"You stole my underwear once!"

 

"Buffy, It was a show of affection."

 

Her hazel eyes flared with a barely restrained rage as she tried her best not to tear his head off. "You have, as usual, screwed up everything! This was my first ladies night and I was," the Slayer checked her watch again, "Forty-one minutes away from its perfect conclusion. But oh no, you had to walk your gender-bending newly cursed ass in here and mess everything up. You scared that poor girl half to death and now she'll never talk to us again. I WAS LESS THAN AN HOUR AWAY FROM HAVING A NICE NORMAL FRIEND!"

 

"Normal and you will never mix, luv. You're better off with us demons, witches, and Slayers."            

 

"Why should I help you?" Buffy challenged him. "You walked into my house ranting and raving without ever acting like you have an ounce of common sense. I should leave you like this to teach you a lesson."

 

"WATER WEIGHT GAIN!" Dawn shouted at Spike. "May you know the pain of cramps, achiness, and mood swings!"

 

Buffy turned back to him... er, her. "You had to cheat on the girl you were with and they got their revenge. Well good for them. You deserved this you cheater. YOU'RE NO BRAD PITT SO YOU GET NO PASS!" 

 

Spike wondered if she'd finally snapped. "I fail to see what Brad Pitt has to do with me BEING TURNED INTO A FLIPPING WOMAN!" Buffy dropped him back on his feet. "Look, maybe I came on a bit strong with your new Scooby recruit, but I do need your help. The girls wouldn't give me any clue on how to break this spell except to say 'You will have to walk a mile in our shoes.' I know the curse they used on me is stained in voodoo."

 

"Transgenderredirection..." Willow pondered to herself. "I'd have to do some research." Buffy's glare clearly stated she wanted no part in helping

Spike. "The sooner he's a man again the sooner he'd probably leave."

 

Buffy had to admit that was about the only thing that sounded good right about now.

 

 

 

******

 

A couple of minutes ago

 

******

 

 

While waiting for the elevator in the blissfully warm lobby of his apartment building, Xander exhaled and for the first time in the last hour didn't see his breath. In addition, the feeling in his fingers had thankfully returned. He pulled off his skull cap and swiped off some snow, hopefully warding off a head cold. All were good signs that his evening was on a definite upswing. And just as soon as Buffy's 'Ladies Night' was done she'd be crawling all over their bed looking oh so sexy in her cheerleader outfit until he tore it off her and...

 

The elevators ding was followed by its doors opening. Wearing one heck of a grin he walked inside and pressed the button for his floor. Though an older model that took its time to reach its destination, the elevator at least saved him the trouble of transversing seven flights of stairs. Since he was going to be playing the star high school quarterback in his little fantasy game with his amazingly understanding and flexible wife if he had to go up those stairs he'd probably run.

 

Such was the good life of being happily married to a Slayer who was as hot as she was a wonderful wife.

 

"Gonna be rich soon - filthy, filthy rich soon - Gonna quit my job and be rich, rich, rich sooooon!" he happily sang off key to himself, ever grateful he was all by himself and not considered losing his mind in the presence of others. With only a few short months to go before inheriting the five million dollars left to him by his grandfather, trying not to think about it was impossible.

 

The Mercedes Benz truck he wanted would compliment the Porsche Buffy wanted in the driveway of the new home they'd already picked out one Sunday

morning. In addition, his sweet wife had graciously agreed to let him name the two Great Dane puppies they are going to buy Walker and Texas Ranger. He only asked for that and a Slurpee machine in the kitchen while all other decisions made concerning the home would be left in her hands.

 

Okay, so he intended to buy that 80'inch wall-mounted flat screen HD TV as well. But that was for status and pride amongst his male friends moreso than for decorative purposes. TV and penis size were important components in establishing a mans manhood. The bigger the better. According to Buffy he'd already come out on top of one of those things and all he needed to complete the duo was the TV.

 

Yes, Xander smiled the grinning smile of a man who would soon quit his job to start his own business while giving Dawn, Willow, Faith, and Oz $300,000 each to pursue whatever dreams they wanted too. As nice as it was to see his own money-worries free future ahead he loved being able to surprise his closest friends... his family with such an amazing gift. And the all-expense paid trip to visit Giles in England this coming Spring would be the proverbial cheery on top.

 

"Quiting my job - I'm gonna quit my job - Gonna quit my job and sleep late for at least a month straight," Xander sang quietly and even did a little dance to as the elevator doors opened. He stepped out into the hallway and almost ran smack into a frantic-looking Janine Washington. The wild expression her eyes betrayed were like she'd just seen a ghost, and since he's actually seen ghosts that worried him. "Hi Janine. Is 'Ladies Night' over with already?"

 

"YOU PEOPLE ARE FREAKS! DON'T COME NEAR ME OR MY HUSBAND!"

 

Without uttering another word, Janine ran off down the hall and around the corner so fast she resembled a cartoon character. Squinting his eyes, Xander stared after her as he began to frown. Obviously 'Ladies Night' hadn't gone as Buffy had planned. And he knew how badly his honey had wanted a nice, normal evening with a nice normal new friend.

 

Alas, it seemed she was still washing that ole Sunnydale weirdness out of her hair.

 

"Boy oh boy oh boy." When Xander saw the door to his apartment cracked open and heard Buffy screaming at someone he broke out into a sprint towards his apartment.

 

"I HOPE YOU NEVER SEE YOUR PENIS AGAIN!"

 

Fearful of the unknown, Xander rushed through the front door not sure what he was going to find. Buffy turned around immediately, her lovely face an angry shade of red as she stood next to Dawn. Willow was in mid-nacho munch when she looked up, saw him, and waved. Faith smirked and then walked over with an open bottle of wine.

 

"Here," Faith handed Xander the bottle. "You're going to need this in about ten seconds."

 

While holding the bottle, Xander's gaze over the living room found a short women dressed in all black with the spiky platinum hair. The uncanny resemblance to someone he knew all to well was to much of a coincidence as he drank back a long pull from the bottle and then said, "I didn't know Spike had a sister."

 

"I don't you ninny! I was turned into a woman!" Spike loudly blurted out at the sight of yet another unwanted guest. "And what are you doing

here?" Suddenly, everyone got a very, very funny look on their faces. Faith snickered while Willow just kept right on munching nachos. 

 

"Uhm, Spike," Dawn drew his attention. "By any chance have you run into Angel in the last month or so?"

 

"I try to avoid 'He Whose Hair Does Not Move' as much as possible." When the now grown Little Bit started laughing he had a feeling his current situation was about to take a turn for the worse. "What?"

 

"You're really Spike?" Xander just had to ask even as the facial appearance, accent, and mannerisms were to familiar to be a mistake. His head suddenly hurt, but not in a painful way. In the sort of way a brain freeze happens when you eat something cold to fast. Howling laughter suddenly erupted out of his mouth in a tidal wave of amusement that even seemed to turn his wife's frown into a smirk.

 

Xander slowly approached the now female vampire while rubbing his chin. ""Well this is a new look. Did you go on Extreme Makeover: Vampire Edition?"

 

"Go ahead and get your jollies, then leave. I don't have time to deal with your uselessness."

 

Peering over Spike from head to toe, Xander addressed Buffy. "How did this happen? And I'm asking you because I don't believe a word he/she says."

 

"I AM NOT A HE/SHE!" Spike shouted, arms crossed, nearly pouting because of his current predicament. "I was cursed, alright. I stepped out on my squeeze with her sister, they found out and turned out to be gypsy voodoo practitioners who turned me into a woman and gave me seven days from this past Saturday to find a cure or remain this way forever."

 

Xander's eyes widened. "So you don't have a dick?"

 

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. You got any others?"

 

"But your breasts are well so formed."

 

"I told you," Willow pointed at Spike with another cheesy nacho in hand, then popped it in her mouth. "Wow, Buffy. This cheese dip you made is great."

 

"Really?" Compliments on her cooking always made the Slayer's day. "I used this recipe I found on the Kraft web sight and added a some jalopena..."

 

Spike's head was throbbing painfully all of a sudden. "Slayer, please. Details about what's in your cheese dip won't help me reclaim my manhood."

 

"MY DIP MATTERS!" Buffy fumed.

 

"CAN'TOU AT LEAST SEND THE WHELP HOME?!!"

 

"HE IS HOME!"

 

Sometimes in life it seemed as though justice was handed to you on a silver platter, as if God himself said 'Go for it, my boy. You've earned it.' Xander experienced just such a feeling as he began slowly circling Spike. Retribution was at hand. "Check out that wall over there with those pictures, Spike."

 

Following close behind the vampire when she approached the wall, Xander followed her line of vision over the many pictures of him and Buffy smiling or holding each other. Several of them alone in fact, all culminating in the highest one on the wall. The one Dawn took two weeks ago with them smiling while holding up their hands, showing off their wedding bands.

 

As if the world itself stopped spinning, Spike realized he had entered the Twilight Zone. It was a good thing he was a fan of the show. "Buffy, luv, why are there fake pictures on your wall?"

 

Taking off her shoe in a fit of frustration, Buffy threw it at the back of Spike head, connecting fully. Watching him hunch over would be funny is she weren't so mad. "Can you really be that dense? I married Xander. I'm married to him. We're living together and married." Holding up her hand, she exposed her wedding band and then grabbed Xander's hand and lifted it as well. "YOU'RE NOT BLIND!"

 

Spike took a good, hard look at the pictures, then Buffy and Xander. The pictures again. Then Buffy and Xander one more time. "You really married the whelp? Who put crack in your cereal?"

 

Coming around to Xander's side, Buffy casually lopped her arm around his waist while leaning into his side. "I married the man I love. Him," she pointed to Xander, who nodded. "But this isn't about that. This is about your inconsiderate cheating lifestyle and how its finally caught up with you. It's about how you ruined my first 'Ladies Night' and how Janine probably will want to move out of the building do to how stupid you acted. This is about how I'm so angry," she took off her other shoe and threw it so hard it hit he/she Spike in the face, who promptly fell to the ground "I'M STANDING HERE SHOELESS AND THE WHOLE BUILDING'S GOING TO THINK I'M ON STEROIDS!"

 

Jarred already by two of Buffy's Nike cross trainer sneakers, as he rose to his feet the knowledge that she's married to Xander... that she's shagging Xander... that she's living with him and wearing his wedding ring...

 

The onrush of wooziness sent Spike spiraling back to the floor again as he fainted.

 

 

 

******

 

Ten Minutes Later

 

******

 

 

The achy throb pounding in the back of Spike's head wasn't aided at all by the hard floor he found himself waking up on. And as bad as his current predicament was, minus Mr.Happy and all, the annoying voice of someone he disregarded with a passion could be heard nearby. His mind began to clear as the whelp kept talking, accompanied by some... gospel humming?

 

Spike's eyes slowly blinked open at the sight of Xander and Dawn standing over him.

 

"Oh heavenly father," Xander began as if he were a reverend, head bowed, hands clasped as Dawn hummed beside him, "Let us Scooby Gang members give thanks for blessing us with amazingly good looks and the ability to save the world as often as we have while maintaining those good looks. And though in your infinite wisdom you felt that late May each year was the perfect time for an apocalypse you allowed us to survive each and every one. We give thanks for that."

 

Still feeling woozy, Spike barely managed to turn over.

 

"Father, thank you for the super hot wife you blessed me with. She kicks ass at moving furniture and is slowly learning that the turn signal on your car is a useful and safe way to protect yourself and others on the road." When a shoe softly connected with the back of his head he added, "Thank you for blessing the woman I love with small feet." Buffy giggled behind him.

 

Spike shook his head free of the mental cobwebs, trying to regain his bearings as Xander continued.

 

"Father, I thank you for my wife's equally hot, ass-kicking sister." Dawn gave an 'Amen' behind Xander in a cute voice, and then continued humming. "I thank you for my best friend Willow who makes the greatest margarita's ever and shares in my belief that Family Guy is the funniest show of all time. I've owed her money for many years dating back to high school and she's never asked for it back even when I got a job. Thank you for her mercy as often times I did not have the money to repay her. Soon I hope that changes." He winked at his wife and caught sight of Willow waving at him.

 

"Father, thank you for our beloved Faith. You've given her a boyfriend at last and she seems to be on a crime-free path. Though she regularly steals my snacks, changes the radio station when she gets into my car, and secretly watches Dawson's Creek reruns on Nick at Night I forgive her for her transgressions."

 

"Don't make me throw my shoe, Xander. I'm wearing boots and it'll hurt a lot more," Faith warned from the couch, though she was smiling. Willow nudged her and asked about Dawson's Creek. "I will never answer that question. Can it, Red."  

 

Enjoying every moment of this, Xander took his dear sweet time addressing the woman in black sitting up on his floor. "But most of all today, oh heavenly Father, I wish to thank you for delivering this bit of holy justice in a female Spike before me. If ever a person deserved to lose their penis in the history of mankind, you chose wisely in allowing Spike, or Pam as Faith and I have decided to call him, to lose his."

 

Still fighting out a bit of dizziness, Spike stood to his feet. "You insufferable whelp."

 

"Father, for all the insults, rotten things, and all around debauchery he's committed over the years seeing him with breasts has become one of the most pleasing sights my eyes have ever witnessed. Never let it be said that you don't have a sense of humor, oh heavenly father. You most certainly do."

 

Rolling his eyes, Spike walked past Xander and politely asked Dawn to stop humming. The Key shrugged and then made her way over to the table only to find Willow had munched away all the nachos. All the witch could say was sorry.

 

"Slayer, have you lost your mind?" Spike questioned before her as she sat perched on the armrest of her couch. "Why in the world would you marry a man who used to listen to 'Wham' and who ate a hamburger once that was made of human meat?!"

 

"THE DOUBLEMEAT PALACE SPECIAL SAUCE TRICKED MY TASTE BUDS!"

 

Buffy shot a calming look her husbands way, then attended to Spike. "Things change, Spike. You know that better than anyone. I don't have to justify falling in love with Xander. I just did. And I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but I traded up big time in the man department when I hooked up with him. I didn't settle," she noted cheerfully. "I got the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. A Xander-shaped prize with a little chocolaty construction hat and and a marshmallow shovel."

 

Spike stared at his former lover and then glared at Dawn. "You sister's on drugs."

 

"You," Dawn punctuated with a finger point, "Have ovaries!" Spike lowered his head. "But surprisingly ample breasts."

 

"Yeah, I actually do." Looking down at his chest, he cupped them. "I felt myself up in the bathroom on the plane ride over and..." The wide, startled eyes of everyone in the room were evidence that he had better let that sentence die. "So you're happy with Mr. Construction Guy?"

 

Joining Xander, Buffy leaned against his side and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Yes, I'm very happy. I've never been happier, Spike. But that's not

the issue here," she implored him to understand as her voice rose once more. "What is important is that because of you my Ladies Night is in shambles and I will be the known as the crazy 'Twilight Zone' blond who scared the crap out of my neighbor."

 

Spike cupped his boobs again. "I'M A WOMAN!"

 

"I DON'T CARE!"

 

"I LOST MY PENIS!"

 

"ALL MEN WHO CHEAT SHOULD LOSE THEIR PENIS!" When Dawn yelled 'Woman Law', Buffy nodded. "You waltz in here like you're our dear friend and we should drop everything and help you. You could have called and asked for our help and explain everything that happened. You could have called before coming by here

when you arrived in Cleveland. You could have acted like you give a damn about ."

 

"I've never been very good with manners, luv."

 

"Then neither will I. Leave. Go! Be gone! Take your perky boobs with you!" Xander's gentle tug on her arm caught her attention. "What?"

 

"We have to help him." His wife's shocked stare made him smile on the inside. Oh this was going to be good. "Look, Wills is going to have her friend look into the voodoo he's stuck in. As soon as we help him he'll leave. And you know if you kick him out of here now he'll just stalk around the shadows and your underwear might come up missing again and hot wings sales will rise and..."

 

"Okay, okay, okay," Buffy begrudgingly agreed with her hubby. The sooner they aided Spike the sooner he would leave. "Look Spike, I'm sorry about what happened to you but when you break a womans heart all bets are off. I hope this teaches you some sort of lesson."

 

"Oh it did. I'm never going to date two women again without knowing for sure if they are sisters." He nodded, then ducked behind the love seat when Buffy ran after another shoe to throw at him. Thankfully, Xander grabbed both of them off the floor before she could reach them. Buffy pouted. "What did I say?"

 

"I'm taking the day off of work tomorrow, so I'll see you guys around 10," Willow explained as she walked towards the door with Faith and Dawn in tow. "I'm sleepy and nacho-drunk. I'm gonna drive them home and catch some shut eye."

 

"Yeah, I gotta hit the salt mines of work in the morning, too," Faith yawned before turning a smirk towards the vampire. "I would ask how they hanging, but... uhm..." She just laughed at him.

 

Hugs all around at the door. Dawn offered to join them after her morning classes, while Faith just laughed when Buffy asked if she would help. 

 

Typical Faith.

 

Shutting the door behind him, Buffy found herself floored at the sight of Xander tossing a pillow and two blankets on their couch. Had he lost his

mind? "I thought we'd go in together and pay for him a hotel room?"

 

"Honey, if he's here we can keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn't get into anymore trouble."

 

"Who are you and what happened to my husband?"

 

Shutting off the lights in the living room, Xander walked over to her and reached for her hand. "Trust me. Lets get some shut eye and leave He/She..."

 

"I AM NOT A BLOODY HE/SHE!"

 

"... to get comfortable. It's been a trying day for our vampy pal and I'm sure he needs to get over the shock of you being married to me and the loss of his penis." The lack of understanding clouding his wife's lovely hazel eyes amused him to no end. With her hand in his he glanced over his shoulder and

said, "Goodnight, Spike. The only red drink we have in our fridge is fruit punch, but you're welcome to it."

 

Watching them as they disappeared inside their bedroom, Spike wondered how his night could possibly get any worse.

 

 

 

******

 

 

While pushing their bedroom door shut behind her, Buffy's eyes remained curiously trained on Xander as he tore the heavy Cleveland Browns sweatshirt off and tossed it in the hamper, leaving him in his white cotton-shirt. He enjoyed a long, arms above his head stretch and seemed to be smiling for reasons she couldn't figure out. "Who are you and what have you done with my husband?"

 

Laughing softly, Xander expected no less from her. "I assure you I am not a pod-person, nor have I been mystically manipulated or had my mind taken over by aliens. I am of sound mind and body."

 

"Then why in the world..." Buffy pondered out loud while standing on the other side of their bed, her arms crossed over her chest, "Would you offer to let Spike stay in our home? And before you even hint at it don't think that I have a problem being close to him. He doesn't even factor in my thoughts these days. I'm all for keeping Spike as far from our lives as possible. He reeks of trouble and I like my home smelling of goodness and brownie-like things."

 

While removing his belt, Xander laid it over the back of the chair by their bedroom window and then sat down. He noticed how Buffy seemed truly surprised by his actions. He kinda liked that. They certainly weren't politically correct in any way. "Honey, I'm all for the fresh smelling home but the Spike-stench that now wiffs around is only temporary. I just think having him roam the city could lead to more badness versus having him here where we can make sure he stays out of trouble, gets turned back into a man and then quickly shoved on the next flight out of Cleveland."

 

"You don't care about him though?"

 

"No, I really don't."

 

"If he just poofed into dust in front of you'd I doubt you'd do more than shrug."

 

"I might giggle."

 

"You don't giggle. You'd smirk with that cute lop sided grin of yours."

 

"Why do people keep calling my grin lop sided? It sounds like I used to be a boxer and got hit in the face allot." That made her smile luminously for a moment. "Buff, seeing Spike turned into a woman and being completely wigged out about it brings me joy on two levels. One, he deserves all the crazy suffering he's going through right now. As a man for well over twenty years myself," she laughed that he was anything else, "I can attest to being quite used to seeing the penile gland or "Conan" as many women in my past have named him being there in the morning."

 

"First off there were never many women in your past and I have often wondered if "Conan" referred to Conan O'Brien?"

 

"I meant the barbarian as in Conan the Barbarian," Xander jokingly corrected her. "Or the Destroyer if you preferred Arnold's sequel over the original."

 

Exasperating as usual, Buffy shook her head and then sat on the edge of their bed. "So watching Spike suffer, whine, bitch, moan, and complain that he was unfairly turned into a woman gives you a happy?"

 

"Only you can give me a happy," he reminded her by staring into her beautiful hazel eyes. "Watching him gives me a jolly. Or perhaps a jingle. The jury is still out on that."

 

"So what's the second thing about this you're enjoying?"

 

"Revenge."

 

"So you just want to throw our relationship in his face to make him squirm?"

 

"Partly, yes."

 

"And you like it that he's shocked by our marriage?"

 

"Absolutely?"

 

"And tortured by the thought of us spending all our nights together?" she asked. "He could be over me you know. I got over him."

 

Despite her thoughts Xander wasn't moved in the least. "I saw his eyes tonight when he looked at you, Buff. He's not over you. Getting over you is near impossible and that's the voice of experience talking."

 

"Then why let a man in our home when you know he has feelings for me?"

 

"Because that man used to have a penis and be a male vampire for the last two hundred years. Now he's a whiny female vampire who in five short days might stay that way forever. All that smack he used to talk to me back in the day, all the insults, jokes, put downs and rubbing his affair with you in my face have have culminated in what we have today. A moment for some much needed, immature Xander-revenge."

 

Unable to suppress a grin, Buffy accepted that her Xan was one of a kind. "Honey, you're not supposed to admit that. You're supposed to act like this isn't about revenge and you just want to do the right thing and help someone."

 

"I don't really want to help Spike. I probably will, but I don't care if he stays that way or not. I just want to watch him suffer, faint a couple more times, and genuinely worry that he might never see his penis again. And if the whole time he's jealous of you belonging to me now then that's all the

better." Those hazel eyes of hers flashed a note of anger at his Cave-Man like notion. "What?"

 

"I do not belong to you. I'm your wife, lover, and stylists. Also, your food choice consultant and finder of lost things. But I do not belong to you like some possession."

 

"Since when?"

 

"Since never!" she sorta shouted while laughing at how silly this was getting. "I'm my own woman."

 

"So you belong to yourself?"

 

"Exactly."

 

"And you don't belong to me?"

 

"I adore, love, respect, and enjoy shagging your brains out but no, I don't belong to you like your wallet or a pair of socks."

 

"But I belong to you."

 

Damn him and his little sweet lines that melted her heart in sappy ways. He looked far to handsome and cuddly sitting over there awaiting a response from her. When he had stoked her feminine ire over being a possession he doused it with tender affection just as quickly. She most certainly thought he was hers, but to take it further he wanted to be hers. In that moment she again realized that yeah, she was his too. And she loved being his.

 

The softer expression she wore signaled his victory. "Don't I belong to you?"

 

"Yes." Buffy felt strangely shy for even admitting it. "But I won this conversation, right?" she demanded to know and even pointed at him. He put his hands up defensively.

 

"You absolutely won, baby. You kicked my butt."

 

"Good." Buffy nodded.

 

"Come here."

 

He could easily get off that chair and join her on the bed in one stride across the room, but he loved making her come to him. He loved calling out for her and having her walk into his arms so that he could hold her tight and whisper something silly in her ear, squeeze her butt, and then ask her what she wants to watch on TV as he usually changed the channel for her. Their marriage wasn't perfect as that term didn't exist for anyone else either, but they've settled into something warm and wonderful that Buffy loved more than anything in the world.

 

"I said come here, Buffy."

 

That order-like tone was on purpose. He knew she hated orders as that was why he said it. "You're trying NOT to get laid tonight, aren't you?" She felt his eyes all over her body as they played their little game of cat and mouse. How could she have ever been in love before him when this was so much fun?

 

Xander sat up a bit straighter, his hands resting on his lap. "Come here."

 

Wanting to simply because he asked warred with her inner pride over needing to resist. Of course she didn't want to resist, but she couldn't let him see that. She had a far greater grasp on how relationships worked these days and knew that the affectionate push and pull between you and your lover was

vital. Plus she wanted to touch him for all the reasons she loved him with all her heart.

 

No man had ever made her smile more than him. No man had ever wiped away more of her tears, inspired her to seek the life she wanted not spoken of in the Slayer's destiny, or truly believed in her that she could reach that goal more than him. But most importantly of all, he needed her love more than he had ever needed anything before. He often told her she was the light in his life and for a woman coming out of such brutal darkness from her past that was the absolute most beautiful thing he could say to her.

 

Lifting off the bed, Buffy found the hunger in his eyes endearing as much as it aroused her. Pride be damned her man wanted her and so she was going. Some other night in the not to distant future he'd be forced to come to her, but for now she'd concede. Her methodical journey towards him, which consisted of less than ten steps came with the knowledge that he was ready to pounce on her as soon as she was within arms reach.

 

Gazing at her with such longing, Xander spread his legs apart, allowing her to stand in the space he made. His large hands found her hips, giving them a gentle squeeze just because he could, tugging her closer. "How's my girl?"

 

His calling her that shouldn't still give her butterflies, but it did. She reached our with her right hand and brushed some of his hair back off

his ear. "Janine's such a nice person, Xan. She's really cool and 'Ladies Night' was going really well until He/She Spike showed up."

 

"What happened?"

 

Buffy sighed, "He ran in ranting and raving about being turned into a woman, then got into with Janine and splashed wine on Willow to show off her non-splash spell on her clothes."

 

Xander ducked his head, knowing how a person unassociated with things like magic might take seeing that. What was worse, this disappointed his wife. 

 

"Then he tossed your weight lifting bar across the room at me and when I caught it with one hand Janine saw how strong I was. And the capper, you'll really love this one. Spike walked back towards Janine and vamped out in front of her."

 

With an 'ouch expression on his face, Xander added, "I saw Janine running in the hallway." Buffy's hopeful look that he might of fixed things quickly faded when his didn't match. "I doubt we get an invite to her Christmas Party."

 

Buffy shrugged and then was sweetly pulled over his lap, now lying in the full embrace of his warm arms wrapped around her. She rested her head on his shoulder while his hand spanned her slender thighs, stroking her legs in a relaxing manner. A VERY relaxing, sensual manner. "I have to tell Janine something, you know? I just can't have our neighbor thinking we're a bunch of weirdos."

 

Xander thought long and hard about how to fix this. "Okay, here's what you do. Tell her that lady she met has a drug problem and that the weight lifting bar was one of those gag toys I bought out of a magazine that's made of rubber and weighed about 25 pounds. You do run and work out, so that's plausible you caught the bar with one arm and not much trouble."

 

Buffy rolled that around her mind for a minute. "That's not bad. Continue."

 

"Okay, no one believes in magic. Unfortunately, you have to make Janine doubt herself and what she saw. Just tell her the wine wasn't splashed directly at Willow and stick to it. Eventually Janine will go along with you. If she says otherwise she'll think she's crazy and since no one wants to be crazy she will reconsider what she saw."

 

"That's quite evil and plausible. I love you for it."

 

"Lastly, tell Janine that our drug addicted former friend has a very bad facial rash and needs Proactive Solution like Jessica Simpson and P.Diddy on all those late night infomercials."

 

Locking her arms around his neck, Buffy nuzzled his face before kissing him. "I promise to use no less than 75% of your outlandish lies in order to regain Janine as a possible new normal friend." With her hand turning his face to her, she pressed her lips to his in a long sweet kiss. His arms hugged her tight to him as they lovingly made out with her sitting on his lap, her free hand tangling in the hair on the back of his head.

 

"So," Buffy began with a last kiss. "How did 'Men's Night' go?"

 

Forming coherent words weren't easy with a woman as sexy as Buffy sitting on your lap. Especially as parts of you began to throb in response to being so close to her. "I managed to use my size and the great traction I have with my new winter boots to score two touchdowns in our game of blizzard football."

 

"Yay for my scoring honey." His hands began to roam her body, caressing her sensually. She knew what was on his mind as it was on hers as well. "Anything else?"

 

"I must admit my touchdown celebration dance was quite wild with all the arms flailing and attempted Michael Jackson moonwalk. Unfortunately I slipped on a patch of ice and fell down."

 

"Poor baby."

 

"I retained my manliness do to the other men having fallen down as well," he finished in a low, husky tone as his mouth descended to her neck, gently nibbling that little spot he knew made her all hot and bothered. A soft groan was evidence enough he achieved the desired effect. "I want you," he whispered in her ear before taking a little bite on her lobe, then then running his tongue around the shell.

 

She 'felt' how badly he wanted her pulsing against her hip. "How do I know you want me and not just for Spike to hear us going at it?"

 

"Oh, I want that too."

 

"Way to make a girl feel sexy, Xan."

 

"Buff, I want you all the time and you know it, but yes, I don't care if he hears me fucking you." Cupping her face, he recognized the desire clouding her eyes. "Once upon a time you did a very bad thing in a crypt with Mr. He/She when I came there looking for you. Do you remember that? The 'ear' thing?"

 

Bowing her head, Buffy's jaw clenched tight as guilt welled up inside her. "That was a very stupid, disrespectful moment that I regret and I'm sorry for."

 

"Prove it."

 

"You're a jerk," she smiled at the naughty smirk on his face.

 

"A horny jerk who wants justice and proof his incredible wife is sorry for that one bad moment."  

 

Arching her hips back to collide with the hard budge tenting his jeans, Buffy whispered ever so softly. "Get your pants off now."

 

 

 

****** 

 

 

If there were only one eternal truth in all the universe Alexander Harris held dear to his heart it was that he didn't need to die in order to earn a one-way trip to Heaven. He was experiencing it here and now on Earth in the form of being utterly devoured by the single most desirable woman that had ever lived.

 

With his arms drawn comfortably behind his neck in bed, stretched out naked in the most relaxing pose you could imagine, Xander's breathing grew husky as the sensations of a warm, wet tongue slowly slithered up and down his cock. Gritting his teeth, his eyes screwed shut as he drowned in helpless arousal. The luscious nude form of his wife worked such wickedness over his lap that his toes curled in sweet reply. The sheer pleasure of her lips pursed over the glistening head as her tongue chased crystal-clear droplets of seeping moisture left him so far gone he felt dizzy and she'd only just begun.

 

"I love you, Xan. That's why I'm doing this," Buffy hummed at the heady expression of sheer pleasure he wore as she gently pumped him in her fist from root to tip. Bowing her head once more, her lips closed around him as she sucked tenderally on the head, allowing saliva to trickle down the length of him. "I was in a very dark, ugly place when I hurt your feelings years ago and I recognize that every now and then a girl has to go that extra mile to prove to her man that she's truly sorry. Consider this my extra mile."

 

Her technique was so damn incredible it should be illegal, and yet Xander knew he'd break the law with her every single day of his life if he could. The firm squeeze of her soft hand caused his hips to lift an inch off the bed. He shuddered submissively. "I'm... I'm going to need plenty of convincing that you understand what you did was wrong." He heard a pleasant chuckle between his thighs and then his heart stopped when she began lapping her way up and down his cock in such a decadently sensual rhythm his eyes rolled behind their lids, his fingers clawing at the bedsheets. "You were a bad girl."

 

"I'm your bad girl now." Determined to blow his mind, pun intended, Buffy parted her lips over the head, swirling her tongue over the small hole, causing him to quiver and shake beneath her. She knew how much he loved it and knew just what to do to drive him crazy. The pointed tip of her tongue left him throbbing against her mouth. Gazing up from her position, the view of his handsome features contorted lustfully inspired her. "This is all for you, baby. Just lay back and enjoy it."

 

Lowering her head over the flared rim of his cock, she took him inside the wet heat of her mouth, gently suckling the tip before slowly bobbing up and down as she took more of him deeper. Moaning loudly when she blew hot air on him, her teeth gently scraped the length on each downward plunge of her mouth, pulling harder on his throbbing cock.

 

"God, Buffy..." The intense warmth of her mouth left him breathless, lost in the fire of her passion for him. A hoarse groan escaped his lungs, followed by a groan of contentment as her tongue skimmed all over his cock. The soft circle her lips made around him coupled with the muffled moans she made blurred his vision. The curtain of lush blond hair draped over his midsection as her head rose and fell in perfect time with her heated suckling. He was insanely turned on at the sight of his cock pressing out against her cheek as she tenderally massaged him with her mouth.      

 

"I love you," Buffy gasped again before sucking feverishly, with one hand squeezing his balls while the other pumped at the base of his shaft. The uncontrollable throbbing grew, signaling he needed just a little more to go flying off the edge of oblivion. She drew in her cheeks, vacuuming his hardness deeper as her sucking grew louder, faster. The strained, animalistic noises he made sent her into a fury of motion.

 

Suddenly, she felt his balls swell and her name cried out loudly as he erupted in surging wet bursts. She hungrily swallowed every one, her hands now holding his quaking, tensing thighs in place while she completely finished him off, draining every last drop until he exhaled loudly in happy exhaustion.

 

Lifting her dark eyes from where her head rested against his inner thigh, Buffy loved the sight of his dreamy expression, harsh breathing, rapid rise and fall of his chest, and glassy eyed stare at the ceiling. She just kicked his ass and that was that. Mercifully, she gave him a few minutes to regain his faculties. "So am I forgiven?" she asked in a honeyed voice.

 

Feeling her soft lips kissing their way up his trembling belly, over his ribs, and then finally over the heart she owned soothed him down from on

high. Wearing a deeply satisfied smile, Xander silently swore he saw the universe on their bedroom ceiling. "There are no words in the English language or any other that could describe how incredible you are," he complimented as the feeling in his legs returned. "I'm fairly convinced you know what you did was wrong, but the juries still out if you are truly sorry for your crimes."

 

Loving the unique taste of perspiration on his skin was only one of the many things Buffy adored about her husband. The feel of his heart beating beneath her lips as she kissed over it was yet another of her little joys. "I thought I just made one hell of a case for being sorry."

 

"Well, I'm certainly aware that you... that you..." Her lips made contact with his pulse on his neck, gentling biting him there before she rose over him. Gazing at the woman he loved more than his own life, she was so beautiful to him that it almost hurt to look at her.

 

Without warning her mouth descended on his, capturing him in a deep tongue caress that saw their bodies grinding as his hands spanned her small back before grasping the firm cheeks of her backside, causing her to moan against his lips. The sound of which reignited the fire she'd created as he began to harden again.

 

Loving a man with a quick reload, Buffy lifted her mouth as her tongue ran over her kiss-swollen lips, hovering a fraction of an inch above his. "Perhaps I do owe you a couple more apologies," she smiled down at him before reaching between them to stroke his erection. She watched his throat constrict while pumping his cock. "You mean the world to me. Do you know that?"

 

"Yes," Xander struggled to reply as his world focused on her alone. "Of course."

 

"Good. Now lets get down to business." Buffy sauntered her hips backward until the head of his shaft pressed against her moist entrance. She gently sank him inside of her, the thick column of flesh spreading her asunder as she settled back on his lap after a couple of careful down-thrusts. Fiery spasms rocked her slim body as she was holding him so deep, loving how hard and thick he felt inside her.

 

"You feel so good, baby," Xander rasped. His large hands fell to her hips, grabbing a firm hold as she began to rock back and forth, riding him at agonizingly slow pace that saw her lips part, her white teeth flashing.

 

With her bottom lip caught between her teeth, hands resting on her thighs as she rolled her hips in tense circles, slicking his cock with her arousal while squeezing tight around him. She sucked in her breath, sinking down all the way as he filled her so deeply. The feel of him throbbing inside her, that sweet, hot friction grazing her clit ever so often sent heat streaks up and down her spine.

 

"I'm sorry for eating your last bowl of Frosted Flakes last week," Buffy whispered in his ear when she bent over him, riding his rigid cock lower as their bodies collided. "I made you think Dawn did it, but I lied. It was me."

 

"You're forgiven," Xander declared against her neck, nibbling the sensitive skin as his hips began lifting, thrusting up into her until she pushed him back, hands on his shoulders as she took full control once more. Her snug inner walls pulled on him so deliciously as each descent of her slim hips stole more of his sanity. She was riding him right out of his mind, her gorgeous small breasts bouncing in time with the way she worked him in and out of

her body.

 

"Every now and then when I want to fill up my gas tank I steal your credit card and withdraw money from that ATM at the currency exchange on the

corner." Grinning as her hips churned on his lap, Buffy mouthed a silent 'Sorry'.

 

"You sneaky little devil." His head lifted, lashing a peaked nipple before drawing the tip in his mouth, nibbling and suckling. The sensations that tore through Buffy's body caused her to shake. One of his hands covered her other breast, the nipple stiffening under his palm.

 

"Remember your... your company picnic three weeks ago?"

 

"Yeah... you had to take care of Dawn that day she... she had the flu really bad."

 

"Honey... Dawn... Dawn was fine. I just didn't want to go. Sorry."

 

"You are so lucky I love the ground you walk on." Unable to hold himself in check in longer, Xander sat up quickly, sliding one arm around her waist to haul her firm to his chest as he began to pound up into her, fucking her harder. Soft whining noises filled the room as did the sounds of their bodies merging time and time again. Their bodies rubbed together, her nipples scraping over his chest as they clung to each other, grinding and thrusting harder, lost in the heated moment, bucking and writhing.

 

They kissed with a desperate hunger that was fast blazing out of control.

 

"Love you... love you so much," Buffy groaned as she was being impaled on his hard cock, her arms locked tight around his neck as she felt her straining clit grazing against his pelvis every time he thrust hard into her until she squealed so loud her ears rang as a raging, intense climax left her quivering uncontrollably in his arms. "Uhhnnn... ahh... ahhh... ahhh..." She hung on to him as the hot sparks burned through her soul, her eyes shut, teeth bared, her heart racing a mile a minute.

 

Shuddering all over, Buffy recovered in his strong embrace and then found herself on her back with his large frame looming above her. Instinctively her legs wrapped around his waist, drawing him closer. She compressed wetly around his surging cock, their tongues entwined in a furious kiss, their thighs smacking urgently as they fucked each other.

 

"Need you," Xander growled into her mouth while delving deeper in her heated depths. Buffy's slender hips strained to meet his thrusts. Her body quivered with each solid impact, her gorgeous face tainted with pure ecstasy. The overpowering urge to come inside her grew as the bed creaked loudly, rattling against the wall behind it.

 

Surely the noise could be head outside their bedroom...

 

"Love you... Godloveyousomuch." Tingling sensations seized her body as her nipples burned against his chest. Her nails raked over his back before descending down his side and over his ass. She clung to him for dear life, arching her hips to fuck him back just as aggressively as he was taking

her. The delirious rush of pleasure grinding her clit left her panting louder and louder.

 

Xander loved the way Buffy cradled his head in the crook of her shoulder while gripping him with her squeezing thighs. Quickening thrusts made the bed shake as she writhed beneath him, her pink lips parted on the wing tips of soft mewling sounds of passion. The hardness surging hard inside her stimulated every nerve ending in her body, constantly hitting that sweet spot that caused her eyes to glisten it felt so good. She kissed her husband while bucking feverishly toward her oncoming orgasm.

 

Loving the way she full-body clutched herself around him, the exquisite tightness, clasping slick heat around his cock left him so close to his own end he seized the urge to force hers first. Fucking her harder, deeper than before his mouth covered her, sucking lovingly her tongue while thrusting faster until near violent spasms overwhelmed her in a storming climax.

 

Buffy screamed for him... and he just lost it, crying out her name repeatedly in savage ejaculations of wet heat inside her as they came together.

 

Timeless minutes later peace reigned as they breathed each others breath, holding on so tight to one another, the moment marked as magnificent.

 

"Buffy?"

 

"Yes?"

 

"You are officially forgiven for all past sins and any you that may occur in the future."

 

"Yay," she panted in a soft voice. When she saw his wide smile she kissed him again, their sweat glistened bodies still intimately connected. "Baby, you do realize having Spike here doesn't affect me at all, right? I had a long talk with him two years ago and we hashed out everything and left the past in the past. I don't hate him nor do I feel I am obligated to help him. Do you understand?"

 

"Yeah, I do."

 

"It affects you because you think its so funny."

 

"Pretty much." Her gentle laughter made him so happy. "He's a woman, honey. Spike has been turned into a woman. Its a walking comedy that I need to see every second of for very immature male reasons."

 

"I guess I have to go along with it then. But for the record I have no problem sending Spike on his way. He made this mess and its his responsibility, not ours."

 

"This will be fun, Buff. I promise many laughs and giggles."

 

"I'm going to hold you to that," she kissed him again. "Okay, here are my orders."

 

"Orders?"

 

"I just sucked your cock and fucked your brains out. You will most certainly follow my orders. And I swallowed."

 

There really was no male defense for such a statement. The only respectful reply was what Xander gave her. He nodded his head like a good boy.

 

"While I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth and taking a quick shower you will venture into our kitchen and reheat all the pizza we didn't eat last night. Upon returning you will bring the Nestle Chocolate Milk carton and a couple of glasses. We will watch Wonder Years on Nick at Night and then fall asleep. Got it?"

 

"I just love how hungry sex makes you."

 

"Hop to it, Xan. I need pizza. Now."

 

 

 

******

 

 

Angel's been to hell.

 

As for Spike, well, he thought he's glimpsed it once or twice... maybe. Possibly. But that didn't matter now.

 

For the current blond he/she vampire knew beyond a shadow of a doubt hell was what he'd just heard coming from Buffy and Xander's bedroom. Oh no, it wasn't enough that he was without his penis and trapped inside the body of a woman with less than six days to reverse it or become the home of an XY chromosome forever. No, that wasn't torturous enough.

 

Fate, destiny, God or Goddess herself seemed fit to punish him by being forced to hear Buffy enjoying some very enthusiastic sex with her... Spike couldn't even think the word much less say it, so he referred to Xander as the whelp. When once he'd made her make those passionate noises, now he had to see her in love with the whelp, happy and married.

 

He's stake himself if he didn't want his penis back so badly.

 

Yes, this was hell. Pure hell. And as he stared at the ceiling while hoping they wouldn't go at it another round, he again tried in vain to fall sleep, but to no avail. Until he had his penis and male body back he would not know rest nor peace of mind. And if he were forced to hear Buffy crying out Xander's name again he was sure he'd lose what was left of his sanity.

 

Having made peace with Buffy over their one-time affair, while he still harbored a profound sweet-spot for the Slayer, he'd gotten back to being the Big-Bad he once was with no regrets. As long as Buffy wasn't with Angel he figured he'd live. But for her to be with the idiot just burned him up inside, And he knew a thing or two about being on fire.

 

Oh, but wait. It's about to get much worse. When Spike rolled over on his side while lying on the couch in the darkened living room he heard the bedroom door open and then saw a shirtless, sweaty Xander stride out and into the kitchen. He looked well-satisfied and reeked of Buffy's unique scent. The whelp, as Spike called him in his mind darted an all to sarcastic smirk his way, grabbed some pizza. nuked it in the microwave, and then strolled right back into the bedroom while humming a jaunty tune.

 

Hell... that's where Spike was.

 

 

 

******

 

 

******

 

 

Deja-Voodoo

Your one-stop shop for pot smokers, holiday recipes, lottery tickets, occult books and mystical items.

666 Hangover Drive

The parking lot

Tuesday, December 6, 2005  9:30 AM

Cleveland, Ohio

 

 

 

"MORE SHADE, MORE SHADE YOU NINNY!" Spike shouted from beneath a thick blanket in the back seat of Xander's SUV as when slowly pulled into the back of the building. The dark blanket covering his body had begun smoking when Mr. Harris 'accidentally' opened the sun roof. Accidentally, mind you. "I SWEAR I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS SOMEDAY!"

 

"Oh hush," Buffy ordered behind a little laugh as she knew her husband did it on purpose. He was cute and villain-like that way, simplistic as it was. Upon noticing a decidedly unpleasant scent she calmly opened her passenger side window. "Baking vampire smells nothing like fudge brownies." Thinking that over for a moment, she added, "And I've got a wicked craving for fudge brownies."

 

"You want me to pick up some for you later on today at that bakery you like on Kostner?" Xander asked. "I have to stop by the bank anyway and they're right next to each other?"

 

"Yeah, do that. But no brownies with nuts. I want fudge only. Nuts drive me nuts," Buffy cheerfully detailed, and then thought about it some more. "You know what? They have the best frosted vanilla cakes."

 

Upon hearing that Willow leaned in between the seats. "Was this bakery where you bought that frosted vanilla cake you had last week?" she questioned while Spike groaned from beneath his blanket. "The one I called 'The Orgasm in your Mouth' cake?"

 

Nodding, Xander laughed, "Verbally awe-inspiring as ever, yes Wills. The bakery's called Chocolate Heaven. And when I die I want to go be buried there or somewhere nearby I can haunt. Nothing says afterlife screams afterlife like scaring little kids with cookies in their hands."

 

"I may have driven past it once or twice," Willow said. "You can't just get an orgasm in your mouth anywhere... well, you can but I am thinking of the kind to enjoy amongst friends... I mean fully-clothed friends in a non orgy-like setting... I think I'll shut up now. I just like frosted vanilla cake."

 

"As do we all," Buffy nodded. "Chocolate Heaven is incredible. I'd live there if they could get Xander and I nice sized bedroom and Direct TV. Or maybe just Direct TV and one of the roll out couches. Those are comfy. And you have to try their oatmeal raisin cookies. They make them with these huge.."

 

"HELLO!" Spike shouted again, muffled by the blanket over his head. "I'M A WOMAN AND YOU FOOLS ARE DISCUSSING PASTRIES! DAMN YOU SODS! DO NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT MY PLIGHT?!"

 

"Not particularly," his three car-mates said in unison.

 

"MAY YOU ALL DIE FROM PASTRY POISIONING!" Leaping from the car while smoking heavily, he/she Spike raced the few feet towards the side door, swung it open and quickly ducked inside the store. Curtained windows enabled him to throw off the blanket from his head.

 

From behind the counter a pair of kindly green eyes stared daggers at the strange woman who seemed to be... well, she was... smoking. It lifted from her skin as if it were boiling. But the woman bore burn marks that she could see. "Child, are you alright? Do you need a doctor?" Leora asked, her thick Hispanic accent apparent."

 

Spike swallowed hard, taking in the large, multi shelved store around him. He soon fixed his gaze on the heavy-set woman behind the counter. "Are you Willow's friend who knows all about curses and voodoo?"

 

Leora tilted her head. "Willow?"

 

Spike emitted an exasperated sigh. "Yes, the lesbian red-head witch slash computer expert who once tried to destroy the world. That Willow. Do you know her?"

 

"Slow down for a second and tell me who you are and why you're smoking in my store. See the sign over there," Leora pointed to the 'No Smoking' sign.

 

"Oh for crying out loud, do you see a bloody cigarette dangling from my lips?" Spike stomped back and forth in front of the counter, running his hands through his short cropped platinum hair. "Look, are you or are you not Willow's friend who's an expert on curses and voodoo."

 

"Again," Leora calmly stated, her arms crossed over her chest. "Who are you?"

 

"Great. I'm dealing with a bloody retard." The older womans eyes seemed to widen in anger from his insult, though Spike seemed to not care. He shouted in case there was someone in the back, "Is there anyone here who can answer my..."

 

"Vosh-Nar-Tasor!" There. Leora had enough of being insulted in her own store. Having removed her rude new guest's ability to speak, she reached for the bat she kept behind the counter as she prepared to remove the woman from her store.

 

Suddenly Willow appeared in the doorway, with Buffy and Xander standing behind her. "Leora, hey. How's my fav occult books dealer." Walking over, she quickly hugged Leora, who hugged her back affectionately while still holding her bat.

 

"I'm doing fine, dear," she replied while holding onto her friend. "Now please tell me you know who this idiot is? She keeps asking if I know you."

 

Sighing, Willow motioned for Leora to take a seat. "I have a very, very long and strange and weird and kinda wacky story to tell you. It begins with a vampire, two gypsies, and that evil male organ known as a penis."

 

 

 

******

 

 

When Willow finished telling her tale Leora was hunched over laughing so Xander had to get her a glass of water from the back of the store. "Bless those gypsies," she asserted wearing a most pleased expression. She turned her gaze towards the blond vampire transgender. "Every woman who is done wrong by a man should have a wealth of curses at her disposal to use. I swear, this one takes the cake though."

 

Spike could do little more than stand against the back wall, sulk, and hope no one opened a window. He'd smoked enough for one day, thank you very much.

 

Leora approached the vampire, carefully looking him/her over. She reached inside her blouse and pulled the emerald tear drop gem she wore from around her neck out. Holding it in the palm of her hand gave her a mystical insight into whatever she happened to be gazing at.

 

"Okay, lets see what we're working with here," Leora began as she circled he/she Spike. The complex aura surrounding the vampire was born of pain and sadness and betrayal, with faint flickers of light. "This is some very powerful voodoo that's been placed on you. And given the short time frame we have to find a cure you might want to prepare yourself just in case you have to stay this way." He/she vigorously shook her head, trying to convey with her hands that there had to be something in this store that could help her. "I'll do my best."

 

Buffy tried to appear truly concerned for Spike, but alas she was more than a little intrigued by all the interesting mystical artifacts, ancient arcane books, multi-ticket lottery machines, Thanksgiving Day recipes, and varied colorful pot smoking items the store sold. She had to admit this place was eccentric to the max. "This is place is like Wall Mart for the underworld. All thats missing is a Subway restaurant with a little Arab guy behind the counter."

 

"I pride myself on offering a little bit of everything, my dear," Leora noted with a smile while thumbing through a thick voodoo journal that might shed some like on Spike's dilemma. "I don't sell gas, nudie magazines, or condoms. But someone did win fifty grand here on a scratch off ticket."

 

When Xander turned around he saw Willow with a fist full of one dollar bills at the lottery ticket machine. She smiled at him and he smiled back. She had no idea that in a few short months she wouldn't need any lottery tickets anymore.

 

Buffy walked along the far right wall, looking over the gorgeously painted vases and shimmering mirrors that seemed to change her hair color depending upon how she looked into it. Small statues of pirates who's head's followed her when she walked by caught her attention as well. Finally, she came upon a clear globe settled onto a wooden throne of sorts. When she touched the globe it glowed instantly. "Cool. Its like desk lamp complete with magical light. I bet that will never need batteries."

 

Time passed slowly while Willow helped Leora in researching curses and voodoo spells connected to romantic betrayals. Spike sulked as was expected, and it only got worse watching Buffy and Xander shop as they found more than a couple of things they wanted for their apartment. And to make matters worse he had to pee and just didn't want to look down there and see what wasn't there anymore.

 

"I'm going to need to research transgenderredirection more carefully and will consult a friend of mine in Louisiana. I'll give you guys a call when I have something." With a polite wave of her hand, Leora lifted Spike's voice mute. "You can talk again provided you can show some respect."

 

Glaring angrily at everyone, Spike walked back to his blanket, threw it over his head, and then raced back outside to Xander's car.

 

Xander pressed the lock button on his key chain as soon as Spike reached his car, enjoying the sound of loud British curse words and watching him smoke before he finally opened the door. Spike jumped into the backseat, closing it immediately. "I'm bad and I know it. But sometimes being bad is fun."

 

Buffy took his car keys from his hand, then pressed a kiss to his cheek. "You've had enough fun for today," she teased. "Now go pay for our stuff while Willow and I open a window so smoking Spike-scent doesn't invade our clothes."

 

"Okay dear." Willow and Buffy said their goodbyes to Leora while Xander paid for their items. "Rest assured I will become a regular patron of your establishment."

 

"You're welcome here anytime, Xander. Just don't bring another vampire with you." Leora laughed followed Xander when something caught his attention. He was checking out her globe shelf, specifically a clear one settled one a wooden throne. "I doubt you need that one dear. Its the worlds oldest, fastest, and best mystical pregnancy test. A woman touches it and if it glows, she's expecting. No pee needed."

 

Xander bolted backwards away from it, shaking his head. "It'll be a very long time before I'll be needing one of those in my house," he smiled to himself. Upon receiving no reply he glanced over his shoulder and found Leora holding a small bottle of white pills while reading something very carefully. She seemed truly engrossed in it.

 

"Xander, I think I have the answer to the vampire's problem."

 

"What is it?"

 

"These," Leora held up the bottle with a bit of a frown on her face. "Apparently a group of male sorcerers, all adulterers who frequented whores in the 1700's created a cure for all curses related to men cheating on their wives or girlfriends."

 

Xander rubbed his chin while staring at the small bottle. "So what does Spike have to do?"

 

"Take one pill with a tall glass of water and presto, he'll have Mr. Happy back."

 

His brows creased. "That's it?"

 

"Yeah. Voodoo's strange that way. Look how Spike was able to walk in here without asking permission. Voodoo is wacky sometimes." Leora extended the

bottle. "Here you go. Free of charge cause you are your wife are so cute together."

 

Shrugging, Xander took the bottle. "We all might need some pot after dealing with Spike," he joked.

 

"Hey, not listen here. I do not sell pot. I sell products related to the medicinal usage of pot." Leaning over the counter, she whispered, "You wouldn't suffer from glaucoma, would you?" She winked. "Cause you know, Will does from time to time. I might possesses a medicinal sample," she winked again, "For a small fee of course."

 

Xander's eyes bugged out. "WHAT?!"

 

"Shhhh."   

 

Xander nodded knowingly, and then laughed. "I see I'm going to have to have a talk with Ms.Rosenberg." Thinking things over, he just couldn't help but to feel Spike was getting off far to easy for breaking those poor girls hearts. That was when evil-Xander, firmly seated on his right shoulder began to speak a plan of such mindless, immature revenge for things that happened years ago he could either indulge in such frivolous revenge or let it go and be take the high road.

 

Decisions, decisions...

 

"Leora, for an extra hundred bucks would you help me teach a vampire a lesson or two about breaking womens hearts while helping me gain revenge for things that happened years ago?"

 

"That's kinda immature."

 

"I'll make it a hundred fifty."

 

Leora thought it over. "Deal. What do I have to do?"

 

"Just call my wife on her cell phone and tell her that the real cure is..."

 

 

 

******

 

 

The End of Chapter 4A